Journey to Authenticity

Is it possible

tglips — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 06:41:45 +0000

My challenge…communicating what I believe and am passionate about without disparaging anyone…even those that the majority would deem deserving of being disparaged!?!? Is it possible and what kind of discipline and patience would it require? Hold me accountable people…I believe it can be done but it will require a high level of intentionality. As I am exposed to the upcoming barrage of political ads I am left feeling at a loss. I am more aware of what it wrong about a given candidates opponent than I am about the given politician’s stance. Even though I am not a Republican and thus cannot vote in my state’s primary I know that the same thing will play out in the presidential race. My challenge, albeit inspired by the political, doesn’t stay in the political. It’s about almost every area of opinion…I say almost because I will ALWAYS speak out against a few issues…child abuse, sexual crimes, murder, theft, etc…but when it comes to most issues I believe we can state our view, support it with evidence, and then let that stand on it’s own. Maybe I am being a bit simplistic but willing to try it out. I recently went to a couple trainings on DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) and a key premise is that 2 opposing truths can exists together and both be equally valid…think of things you may deem bittersweet. It doesn’t just end there…we still need to find a workable solution or reconciliation. Reconciliation…that’s a post in and of itself! All that to say I am challenging myself to speak of what I stand for, why and leave it at that…not attacking the other and different point of view. We’ll see how it goes; maybe next year at this time I will have a different opinion…I will let you know!

Gaslighting

tglips — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 20:29:56 +0000

Whenever I feel compelled to voice a dissenting thought to what is presented I get a pit in my stomach. I worry about what others will think, about the backlash, and whether someone will simply say I am wrong or worse irrelevant. Over the years, I have gotten better at saying it anyways but I must admit the pit in my stomach is still there. Then a good friend posted this about gaslighting on Facebook and I thought that’s it! All my life in some form or another I have experienced this from just enough sources that it has gotten imbedded in my psyche. Like I said, I have intentionally been validating my own thoughts and feelings and putting them out there anyway. Plus, I know I am a good and assertive communicator so it’s not about me polishing my delivery. In fact, saying someone’s thoughts or feelings are wrong because they didn’t have a polished delivery is a form of manipulation and verbal abuse. The quality of the delivery doesn’t validate or invalidate the feeling. Granted there is wisdom in learning to deliver a message well and will likely be heard but that’s different that the feeling deserving validation. I have had the opportunity to be on the receiving end of some really poorly delivered feeling conversations and when I can get past my own ego and reflect the feeling I am hearing it’s amazing at how the delivery changes. Often times people get irate/defensive because they have been ignored, dismissed, patronized, minimized, abused for so long that they have nothing to lose than just let it all hang out. There is a difference though between being the aggressor and being the one who is aggressive as a response to being oppressed. The slave owners beating their slaves is NOT the same thing as a slave beating their owner as they try to escape.Women, of all ethnic backgrounds, remain the oppressed gender worldwide. When their voices begin to raise and they are yelling at the top of their lungs just to be given the basic rights of humanity and they are dismissed as “feminazis” or “emotional” or “psychotic” it’s just plain wrong and when that has happened to you over and over it’s oppressive and abusive and it impacts your view of self. We will not have a peaceful world until you love one another as you would want to be loved. As I write this I am aware that not only have I been a recipient of gaslighting I have been a perpetrator…which is so typical when our culture has the adage “if you can’t beat them join them.” No more joining for me…I may not be perfect but I will be intentional about validating other’s thoughts and feelings and having enough self-differentiation to know it’s not about me but about listening and validating the other.

Hard Stuff

tglips — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 06:56:25 +0000

Lately, it has been so tough and yet so rewarding to be a parent to teenagers. As a counselor, it’s easy to feel like a failure as a parent of teenagers. I counsel parents and teenagers and know my stuff…really I do. Then in my own home I am faced with similar challenges…dating, depression/anxiety, bullying, drugs, peer pressures, grades, social media/texting, spirituality, etc. the list goes on! One philosophy I have adopted is that it’s better to give your teens enough freedom to make choices…good or bad. Over-controlling can be as harmful as under-controlling; the key is balance that is gained through wisdom and discernment. Too often parents over-control on the front end with rules and extreme restrictions or under-control with few to no expectations…honest moment – we’ve done both; more of the later than the former for me but none-the-less. Striking a balance between rules/expectations/guidelines and freedom is tricky and dependent on each child. I am finding out pretty quickly that one of our kids needs more than the other two…the rules of the game are changing. The culture this kid is influenced by is a different beast than the other ones. Each have their challenges but I am finding the need to re-group and re-strategize. This reminds me of the importance to parent each child as they are needing to be parented; which means developing a tough skin in dealing with the “It’s not fair ‘so-and-so’ got to do ‘x’ and ‘y’ but you won’t let me” statements. This is where I prefer the term equitable to equal and I tell my kids that each one of them get different boundaries, responsibilities and privileges based on their abilities and strengths. I find moving away from the “because we did it with kid #1 means we need to do it with subsequent kids” difficult but critical because they are different people with different strengths and areas for growth! Think about it if a teacher taught the same math skills to all students the same way regardless of their abilities and aptitudes we would be concerned so why not the same perspective with developmental/emotional/critical thinking skills? Be courageous parents and do the right thing by each individual child…some of it might be the same between kids but much of it might be different…Don’t cave to conformity if means a dear cost to the individual child; be courageous enough to think outside the box for each child. Trust me, I know this is hard but in the long run it’s best for everyone, especially the teen.

Parents, I urge you to expose yourself to a good breadth of approaches to parenting at various developmental stages and then adopt the ones that best fit the child…not children but THE child. Don’t get bogged down in what is right versus wrong…one way will be right with one child and totally wrong for the other and visa versu. Be adaptable and flexible enough to parent each child as an individual within the broader values you have as a family. There is more than one path to achieve the outcome desired. Our goal as parents is to raise kids that love Jesus, think critically, are developing the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) and contribute to society in some way…each kid may and likely will take a different path to get there and we, as parents, need to be sensitive to each of there differing needs in order to support their unique development.

SPARKS Summit – October 29, 2011

tglips — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 05:04:02 +0000

SPARK Summit Flyer

Looks like an awesome event for girls 6th-12th grade!

There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female…

tglips — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 04:32:08 +0000

for you are all one in Christ Jesus

So a friend asked me about a Christian author, she was reading a book he had written, and I made the comment that I generally like what he writes but I struggle because he doesn’t believe women should be elders in church. I qualified that he still had some good things to say…wanting to be gracious as I was taught to be! I was really humbled and challenged by what she said next (paraphrasing) ‘We wouldn’t do that with any other kind of discrimination. If the person believed people of color should not be elders we would discard everything else they have to say even if it was accurate.’ Most people would be…I am not giving that person any money even if they have good things to say. We would recognize the injustice that is inherent in being racist. Why do we…why do I accept teaching from someone who thinks I am incapable of eldering a church because of my sex!?!? It makes no sense. I am not saying they don’t have wise and good things to say…they likely do but why would I give them money and profit when I can likely get the same good stuff from author’s and leaders that do believe in Gal. 3:28! If it is God’s will that we be on earth as it is in heaven and in heaven we are equal than why would we not be working towards, demanding equity here on earth ESPECIALLY within the institution that represents God here on earth…The Church?

I am not sure how this will play out for me…I already know of several authors that I LOVE that would be excluded from my list. Chances are this won’t become a black/white issue for me but I will be taking it into consideration if I am going to let someone influence me. One author in particular comes to mind, Henri Nouwen, being that he was a catholic priest he likely had views about women in the church that I would disagree with, maybe not though since he was a “in the closet” gay man in the church. Which is why I believe he speaks to my heart so intimately…he knows the pain of being on the “outside” while being on the “inside”…such a painful space to live in. Yet, he presses in towards the ONE who is the definition of LOVE…Jesus and his imperfect church.

I realize I must see that we are all a work in progress, mercy and grace abounds in a community of Jesus, but I also realize that there are lines I need to and will draw.
Ultimately, I hear God telling me the things I need to work on and validating many of the things I know/feel. I do not feel conflict anymore about being an elder and there is a STRONG hermeneutic that supports my feelings. I will make an effort to live a congruent life which includes reading somethings and not reading others.

Adult Children

tglips — Sat, 03 Sep 2011 23:28:09 +0000

It’s been kind of weird having an adult child in the home. When I was 17 I graduated highs school, went to the U of O and never again resided with my parents. I am not saying I want my daughter to move out; I know she wants to and will when she’s financially more stable but I am trying to strike a balance between her freedom and responsibility. I try to think of it like a roommate situation even though it’s more than that. She still sees us as parent’s so she doesn’t seem to mind us telling her to do her chores but I don’t like doing that anymore. I still want to know where she is when she’s not at home; not every moment or details but just a general sense of where she is. Again, I equate that to a roommate situation…a courtesy. Since I haven’t experienced this in my own life I am finding myself having to strike a reasonable balance. I let you know how it goes as it unfolds. Who knows maybe she’ll move out in a couple months and this will be a mute point.

Freedom of Choice…Insurance

tglips — Wed, 31 Aug 2011 04:46:25 +0000

With all the push back on Obama’s health reform about loosing choice if healthcare becomes more of a public industry versus remaining a private industry I would like to add my experience from the provider end that has enlightened my perspective. How things are in the current system does not give you the choice you think you have. There is this thing called paneling or in-network…i.e. your INSURANCE company chooses for you who you can see at the most affordable price and sure you can usually see a health care provider that’s not in-network but you likely will be paying much more…higher deductible, larger co-pays and often co-insurance, too. So is that really a choice for most people…no, we end up going to the providers that the insurance companies say you can go see. Then let’s say you can afford and do choose an out-of-network provider because they came highly recommended and they line up with your values and needs…the insurance company often delays payment or makes them jump through more hoops. Do we really want to endorse inequality anywhere. It seems to me we should be able to go to any provider that is properly licensed and legally practicing. We have licensing boards to “Police” providers to make sure they are compliant with ethics and laws why would we need insurance companies to do the same? The process of getting paid by insurance companies can be so daunting that I have had to hire someone to do my billing…added cost. I work really hard to not pass on too much to the consumer plus I offer generous cash discounts but at the end of the day I also need to pay my bills. There is a segment of healthcare providers that make a generous income but let me tell you the majority of us are right there with the rest of the middle class. Don’t get me wrong I am not complaining about my income…I am doing just fine BUT I do get frustrated when I have to turn people away because I cannot drop my fee low enough to provide services because their insurance company won’t contract with me…feels like to me the insurance companies are restricting people’s choice. If you think they may just be looking out for your best interest by screening the providers don’t fool yourself…it’s all about economics! They restrict supply they control access…less appointments available less cost for them. In most cases, a person would see a counselor weekly if there are too few providers then the providers cannot see you or will need to see you less frequently thus impacting best practice and your care!

I am not saying Obama’s plan is the solution…it maybe a start but hopefully not the final product. I just wanted to provide some perspective on the term “choice” when it comes to health care. I would hope that in the end we all would really have true choice and with our healthcare provider be able to make the best decision for our care without the government OR the insurance companies placing limitations on us.

Love of Self versus Selfishness

tglips — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 04:42:39 +0000

“Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the “Beloved.” Being the Beloved constitutes the core truth of our existence.” Henri J.M. Nouwen

Our generation is so seeped in selfishness that we forget to distinguish love of self from selfishness thus there is a tendency to over compensate by those of us in spiritual leadership. I have so appreciated Henri Nouwnen’s writings that have helped me grow in my understanding of healthy love of self grounded in our true identity as the Beloved. When you are the Beloved your identity is found in the deep of Jesus Christ and there is no room for self loathing. Of course there is room for self reflection, honest assessment of our sin, willingness to be shaped and changed, willingness to embrace refining even by fire!

A therapist friend once defined selfishness as other disrespecting…I like that and find it to be a good rule of thumb. One is not being selfish when one focuses time to self care, spiritual, psychological and physical, nor when one is accepting on one’s self (growth areas and strengths) nor when one considers one’s self in context to the other. Of course it’s all about balance…as my smart husband says “Don’t let you pendulum swing too far to the right or too far to the left.”

Life doesn’t always have to be…

tglips — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 05:08:12 +0000

deep, meaningful and heavy! There is blessing in the simple, the light-hearted, and the frivolous. I love the work I do and wouldn’t trade it for anything but sometimes I need to do something that would seemingly be deemed frivolous! It’s so easy to get wrapped up in feeling “indispensable”…oh what a dangerous place that is to be. We do nothing for ourselves or those around us if we are not constantly keeping ourselves in check. Seriously, we are not all that important. Life really does go on and what we do makes the most lasting impression/legacy if we hold it loosely and share. I have seen some very scary people who believe they are indispensable and critical to life of their organization/employment/community/family. Honestly, if that’s true it sad because it shows they haven’t been that good of a leader. A great leader gives away and shares what they have. Jesus did this…he gave all that he has to us to continue what he started. Plus, he didn’t just give it away and walk away he continues to walk with us and teach us and grow us…if we let him.

I must admit I struggle with taking time off work…not solely because I am loyal but admittedly I get my ego stroked feeling “indispensable.” The brutal truth is, I am valued by my employer which I am so grateful for, but I am far from indispensable and if I am then I have not done a very good job of being a leader. So, I am taking a day off during the work week to take my kids on an outing and I am going to do something “frivolous” and child like…I am going to play. I am going to divorce myself from the crisis that surrounds me, the meaningful work I do, and rejuvenate with some light-heartedness!

Irony

tglips — Sat, 18 Dec 2010 06:53:54 +0000

I was reflecting tonight about my life and the joys and struggles I have experienced. After graduating high school I was college bound…not community college for me University would only do. So off to U of O I went. Spent a year there and transferred to Portland State…bittersweet. I was determined to be a child psychologist…most of the time…dabbled a bit in business because my mom thought psychology wasn’t very practical; stopped listening to her (about my career at least). Anyway, a few years later and a couple years before graduation I became pregnant with Kenzie. After she was born I was determined to finish my degree, partly for my own satisfaction and partly to prove my mom wrong (I think I am done rebelling against my mom;). Graduated in 1994 with my BS in Psychology. What I quickly discovered was there were no good paying jobs in psychology that would pay for anything more than daycare; didn’t see much point in that. So I put my skills to use in childcare; when Kenzie was almost 2 I went to work as a nanny for a great family…still in contact today 16 years later.

4 years after Kenzie came Tori and less than 2 years later came Ryan…before I knew it I was a stay at home mom…not exactly what I had envisioned. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and have no regrets, most of the time . As I look back I am glad I had that concentrated time with my kids but I personally struggled. I was in a community where my life would have been measured as ideal; 2 parents, 3 kids, dad working, mom at home, not rich but managing, with good extended family support…who wouldn’t be happy and content…ME! When the two youngest were 2 and 3 I think I had some of my darkest personal times. Not because of them, but the fact that my kids age are my markers of time reveal the focus of my energy. I felt lost; there was no me, it was all about them and their well being…as it should be.

So what was missing…perspective. It was not until several years later that I found myself around people in varying life stages and I was slowly being influenced by people that gave me perspective. Change came slowly but I eventually I felt encouraged and empowered to go back to school. I picked up the dream of long ago and perused psychology in the graduate level. I am now and LPC (licensed professional counselor). PH.D. to come

How is this irony you might ask…well, my work is focused on family and relationships. I spend my days supporting, encouraging, challenging, correcting…parents, single moms mostly. The gift is I can authentically say to them, I know, I know how it is and we can get through this time. I believe that God has given me a gift through my life experience (make note; I don’t believe he caused my life experience so I could later help others but my life experience which is mostly due to my choices has evolved (that’s the God part) into something that is useful for me to help others.

So the irony is the thing in my life that I thought was an existential crisis has become the source of my empathy and strength for others…and myself. The best gift that has surfaced is my appreciation for my story…all of it!