all parents to whom I was the youth pastor to your child. As I have embarked into the world of parenting a teenager I feel deep remorse for every thought  and opinion I held about parents of the teens I pastored. What I am not saying is that I think you all did it “right” or perfectly…what I am saying is IT”S A TOUGH ROAD TO TRAVEL and the deep empathy I have developed is profound. I am a parent to a great teen but as great as said teen is she is still learning, making mistakes and having successes. What I have learned over the years is not to judge by outside appearances of either the teen or the parents. My daughter wears more make-up than I would prefer, tighter clothes than I would prefer, and spends way too much time on MySpace and texting BUT what I do know is my child is growing and trying on new “identities” and one identity she seems to be gravitating towards is one of a person who sets boundaries and doesn’t let others walk all over her. She has successfully dumped a couple boyfriends for controlling and manipulative behavior…which sadly a few of her friends struggle with. At times this gift in development bumps heads with us…fireworks ensue but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have learned that if I set too tight boundaries I would have a child finding all kinds of ways to rebel and if boundaries are too loose a lack of frontal lobe development would cause all kinds of havoc. The idea that the amygdala is easier activated in adolescents explains much of the primal reactions us parents experience from our teens. The task of a parent is to discern what battles to fight and what to drop…it feels like a land mine! What I have ascertained is the more my emotional triggers are allowed to lead the more battles that ensue. As a parent you can only model the depth of emotional intelligence you actually possess yourself. Do you find yourself emotionally “sucked in” to your teenagers stuff, do you struggle to stay calm, do you fixate on one “right” solution then, I don’t say this without personal experience, you may be struggling with your own issues. The further along in parenting  I get the more I learn about myself when I am willing to go there! Someday I will write a letter to my first born and it will begin with a huge thank you, for being my guinea pig, and then a huge apology for my steep learning curve! So all you parents who I have watched and learned from…I am sorry for holding  judgment in my heart and I completely understand the tough road you have traveled.

I am sitting here pondering what the hell I have gotten into. I am surrounded by filth…utter filth. I am looking at a carpet that is nonrecoverable under a layer of filth. There is food, wrappers, garbage…there goes a carpenter ant and a bug I cannot identify (I hope I can keep it in my eye sight so I know it’s not on me). I walk into the kitchen and I see last nights dinner encrusted on pans and plates, never tended to. I scan the kitchen no clean spot in sight…none! The sink is encrusted, counters are covered in food not in pans, the stove indescribable. The stench…wow, there are no words. I breath with short breaths trying to catch a whiff from the broken fan in the window, before it hits my nose it has already been contaminated with…the stench. I tell myself I can do this…remember the baby diapers I withstood. I begin to question “What the hell am I doing here…I earned my masters to be here, smelling and seeing this filth?!?!”

Then I look up and I see the eyes of “Pat” and Pat looks hopeful unlike the first day I met Pat. The first day was a day of pain, guilt, shame, hopelessness and much fear. I hear from Pat the painful comments and hurtful words hurled at Pat by family. The shame expressed towards Pat is inexcusable. I look a little further and I see the eyes of a child in a teenagers body, covered in dirt…the dirt the child likes to play in and smear all over the door and house. When this child feels anxiety, the child uses the same nails that dug the dirt to scratch their skin until it oozes and scabs. This child has an older sibling. The older sibling has eyes that evoke some hope. As this child shows me their senior portfolio I expect to see one thing and then see things  I saw in my children’s 4th grade portfolios yet I see their pride in their accomplishments. As I respond with encouragement more and more things emerge from the piles I saw as junk and trash. One is a mosaic, another is a self portrait, more sculptures and much pride.

I continued to sit there and talk and sort clothes. I listened to stories of pain and hope as I touch their socks, underwear, shirts and pants in the various piles. I sorted their clean and dirty clothes with them all the long hiding my gags and wishing I wore closed toe shoes. I touched things covered in I don’t know how many bacterias FIGHTING the judgments wanting to surface. I kept fighting the thought…”This is not what I earned my Masters for!” And then feeling the guilt of my thought. I refuse to deny my pride erupting…it’s reality. I sat there as I touch filth and hated it, was dismayed by it and yet held a huge amount of compassion for the family before me. They are real people with real stories full of pain and hopefully, hope. If all I accomplish by sitting in this family’s filth is imparting hope in their life then it’s worth it.

My filth may be different than this family’s but it is no less filthy and Jesus entered it all…He sees my filth and He doesn’t accept it but He accepts me…His beloved. He forces me to face my filth and helps me clean it up. I am trying my darnedest to help this family face their filth and help them clean it up and I hope and pray that God is doing something way deeper. He is the only One who can do the deep cleaning and I am confident He is using  my surface cleaning to pave a path for His deep cleaning. I must cling to this or I cannot continue in this line of work. I am selfish and prideful; I repeat I have a Masters after all; BUT…

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:Who, being in very nature God,did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,but made himself nothing,taking the very nature of a servant,being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man,he humbled himself and became obedient to death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest placeand gave him the name that is above every name,that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father. Philipians 2: 1-11

Jesus…I am trying practicing, it’s hard and in no way have I arrived but I will keep practicing until You finish the work you have begun ( I am sure I will drop the ball along the way but You won’t).

As I took a shower at the end of the day…the family’s filth washed down my drain and I envisioned the baptismal water that washed my filth away and thanked God that He is able to wash all filth and turn it into rivers of life:

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. Rev. 22: 1-2

Listening With Our Wounds

To enter into solidarity with a suffering person does not mean that we have to talk with that person about our own suffering. Speaking about our own pain is seldom helpful for someone who is in pain. A wounded healer is someone who can listen to a person in pain without having to speak about his or her own wounds. When we have lived through a painful depression, we can listen with great attentiveness and love to a depressed friend without mentioning our experience. Mostly it is better not to direct a suffering person’s attention to ourselves. We have to trust that our own bandaged wounds will allow us to listen to others with our whole beings. That is healing.

Henri Nouwen

I must confess I am a recovering people pleaser. In my past I have let people’s opinions (or perceived opinions) dictate my course of action and it has lead to much heartache. In this recovery process I am learning to place criticism in its rightful place and that is not discarding it! I tried that for awhile and it didn’t work. There is some critic though that deserves tossing because it is just plain mean and immature…haven’t run into much of that lately, thank God.

I must admit this journey has been hard but worth it. I am learning first to not see critique as an identity issue but a performance issue. In doing that it has freed me up to learn and grow versus giving up. In the past I have taken critique as an identity issue and then stopped pursuing the goal or dream because obviously I can’t do it since I screwed up (insert sarcastic tone here). It becomes about my core being rather than my doing. I cannot begin to tell you how many dreams I have given up because of someones criticism. As I am learning to see criticism as a performance issue I am realizing we all are imperfect and need to grow. Now some criticism I have received is good but delivered horribly. The maturity part is being able to discern the gold amongst the rock and dirt and like I said there still are times when there is no nugget and the person is simply being vengeful and mean. I have no time for them anymore…discard and be done!

The other thing that I am practicing daily is remembering my favorite Nouwen qoute that deserves repeating:

You can deal with an enormous amount of success as well as an enormous amount of failure without losing your identity, because your identity is that you are the beloved. Long before your father and mother, your brothers and sisters, your teachers, your church, or any people touched you in a loving as well as in a wounding way-long before you were rejected by some person or praised by somebody else-that voice has been there always. “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” That love is there before you were born and will be there after you die.”
Henri J. M. Nouwen

At the end of the day I choose to please the One I belong to…and He already loves me and accepts me…Amen!

I have resisted utilizing technology to connect with my teen. As a therapist, it just goes against every bone in my body, and still does for the most part. However the reality is technology is here to stay unless the doomsdayers are right and society as we know it will eventually meltdown  we are stuck with it…guess we’ll just have to wait and see I am finding a system that actually optimizes technology and recognizes it’s limitations and utilizing each to make the most of communication. I am finding, at least with my teen, that engaging her in initial “conversation” via text opens the door for a great face-to-face conversation. For instance, a few days ago I received a text from my teen about her boyfriend. I texted back a  couple sentence response…the “volley” continued for a few more sentences and then done. The next time we were in each others presence the topic was easy to broach and lead to a great conversation. I have been using this m.o. for a few weeks now and it has helped facilitate several conversations. Do I like it…not always…however in reality it works. I am hoping that me entering her world will facilitate her entering my world…the adult world. Often, parents give up when they hit a roadblock in communicating with their teen and that usually ends up in disaster, at least for a season. As parents, we need to find the detours and use them to help guide our teens back to the healthy path. I will not jump into the whole texting/technology world with two feet in order to be like my teen however I will put one foot in in order to  stay connected with her and help her find her way to a life sustaining way of being in relationship.

Hell…I am “communicating” with you ( whoever you are) via technology…can’t be a hypocrite now can I

The Beauty of Shyness

There is something beautiful about shyness, even though in our culture shyness is not considered a virtue. On the contrary, we are encouraged to be direct, look people straight in the eyes, tell them what is on our minds, and share our stories without a blush. But this unflinching soul-baring, confessional attitude quickly becomes boring. It is like trees without shadows. Shy people have long shadows, where they keep much of their beauty hidden from intruders’ eyes. Shy people remind us of the mystery of life that cannot be simply explained or expressed. They invite us to reverent and respectful friendships and to a wordless being together in love – HenriNouwen

I cannot tell you how much I love this quote and not because there is something so incredibly profound here but because this was and in many was is me. I recently had a friend tell me she felt like there was so much about me that she did not know although we have spent a significant time together, not a surprise she is a therapist. I have had people label me a snob in the past because of my self protective personality. Not to dissect my family of origin and not to say my perspective is absolute truth however to deny that I did grow up feeling judged and in many ways still do when around my family of origin would be wrong too…tension, life is full of it. Over the years I have come out of my shell because of another concept Nouwen well communicates, being that my identity and value comes from Jesus and His love for me and nothing else, but it has been a journey and at times a painful journey. Although today many people have described me as a confident and strong woman I often feel like a shy girl under a microscope judged and condemned to a marginal life; not as much as 10 years ago but none the less.  As I have discovered my true self over the years,I am grateful for my shy self that I hope never dies but matures and refines to helps keep me grounded and not overly transparent. I have learned that each of us have a depth to ourself  that deserves to be revealed to those who can treat our mystery with care and respect. That I believe is what I missed out on, care and respect, so this shy girl developed to protect me over the years. Now I have the opportunity to turn this into a positive character trait because it is positively motivated. I am not defensively guarding myself but judiciously revealing myself in the level appropriate to the trust developed in the relationship. One thing I guarentee I will be 100% authentic yet guardedly transparent. What you get will be true but may not be complete.

http://www.christianity21.com/

I wish I could go but finances won’t allow. This looks like it will be an amazing event. I think it would be fabulous if there were as many men as women attending this event…then we would truly know that real change is happening.

So I have wrestled with posting this but I think it is worth it…in all it’s transparency! Today my daughter showed me a pic on our home phone of my 10 (almost 11) year old son flipping off the phone as my daughter took the picture *sigh* Luckily for me my son was at a friends for a sleep over so I have had time to mull it over and decide what course of action to take. Initially my response was to over react, of course, but as time has passed I have settled down thus the appreciation for his absence. You see, often as parents we have a gut reaction that we need to allow to pass so that we can engage our frontal lobe, the area for rational thought, and truly come up with an effective course of action. I needed time to respond rather than react! (Parenting hint: respond don’t react)

It is no wonder that my children would engage in such actions. They are looking for ways to figure out their culture and decide what “fits” for them. They see friends, actors, musicians, ADULTS, doing all kinds of things and are “trying” them out to see what fits. When we as parents choose to react from a gutteral level we tend to fuel their actions but when we can take a time out, process and come up with a reasonable response we immediately take them off guard with a well thought response void of shame and guilt. I cannot tell you how many times my non-reaction to a child’s disclosure or action has lead to an amazingly honest discussion of choices and consequences and I am not the bad guy to boot! It really does work…parenting from love and emotionally neutral responses versus emotionally charged fear based reactions. My ability to regulate my emotions helps my dysregulated child calm down. Now don’t get me wrong I have my moments…just ask my kids. I have reacted, in anger even, parenting is not about perfection but about trial and error and learning to say “I am sorry I made a sad choice” to our children AND then practicing calm and thought out responses. I cannot stress the word practice over trying more! Try as hard as you want and change won’t happen. It is not until you learn the art of practice that you can truly gain the skills to make real lasting change. You see practice implies failure yet learning through practice…any skill worth acquiring requires practice.

So back to my action plan with flipping off son I plan to show him the picture and say “I am not angry but I am curious how it felt to flip off the phone.” And then just go where the conversation leads. Stay tuned I’ll share where it leads. I am sure it will be interesting. This is the same kid that the other night stated that “…it should be a sin to be a ‘Jesus freak’…” His rationale was that he has a friend who has went from being a Christian to being an atheist because his dad has forsaken faith in Jesus and his mom (they are divorced) is a “Jesus Freak” who crams religion down his throat…if it ain’t Christian it is demonic. His atheistic father is more accepting of him than his “Jesus freak” mom…no wonder he would choose an atheistic path.  My son reasoned (my paraphrase , in adult terms, to follow) that if his mom was not so reactive and rigid he might still believe in Jesus and God even though his dad is agnostic. I am constantly blown away by my son and his thought process!

I am learning a lot about guiding parents in parenting difficult, traumtized and hurting children. I have spent tens of hours searching and researching a variety of parenting strategies and boy there are abundant opinions. It is so easy to get sucked into a book or strategy that “makes sense” however as a professional who is bound by legal and ethical guidelines “making sense” is not enough. I ordered one book and it was good…I agreed with a lot of what the author taught howeverI disagreed with some especially the tone that was taken towards other models. So as I decided whether or not to get further training in this model I researched more and found out not disturbing info but info that lacks empirical evidence and is mostly a self-help and cleverly marketed device.

I have access to APA’s database of psychARTICLES through Concordia and did some research in articles by researchers and found some great resources one in particular that combines my passion for family based services. I was further delighted that it is based here in Oregon at Uof O in their Child and Family Center called EcoFIT I ordered the text from Amazon and am looking forward to learning more! I guess my point in this rambling post is if you are a practioner in the mental health field…be repsonsible for the guidance you provide clients and know the facts and if you are a consumer be wise and cautious there are a lot of good meaning professionals who may not be using what we call best practice. The sad thing to me is that in Oregon is one of the few states that still allows counselors to practice unlicensed they simply cannot use the term “licensed” in their practice. As I have shared this with people they are shocked…which leads me to reiterate be a wise and informed consumer.

Some days  I just want to cry and yell. I love the work I do but sometimes the stories I hear make my heart ache. Whether it is a child who was “spanked” with a wooden spoon so hard the spoon broke or another child that has HPV at the age of 2 or a mother that cannot choose between an abusive boyfriend and the safety of her children or a myriad of other desperate stories. There are no easy answers just taking one step at a time with families in desperate need knowing that I am only human and I need supernatural support and guidance. I do not know how people without a higher power make it day in and day out in the people helping field. I know for some it simply reinforces their atheism…how can there be so much suffering if there is a loving God? And in all honesty I have no easy or hard answer other than for some less than tangible reason; I do know there is a God and I do know God is loving and that God cares. I know that because of my faith I do not fall apart after every visit with a hurting family, a hurting child. I also am grateful the perspective I have when I face my own parenting challenges and I realize how petty some of the battles I choose to enter with my children are. Don’t get me wrong there are some serious parenting tasks I must face and navigate however sometimes I think we parents make our own job harder with the battles we choose. On the flip side I can easily minimize my own family’s struggles because of the severity of suffering and dysfunction I face in others families. Which is why I am grateful for a husband that keeps me grounded and that I can help him shift his perspective. It’s difficult to parent when we have different perspectives and different solutions however when we do conflict resolution well we actually end up balancing each other out, even if we do not see eye-to-eye in the heat of the moment.