Gaslighting

19 Nov 2011 1 Comment

by tglips in Feminism, Life, Psychology, Relationships, Sociology

Whenever I feel compelled to voice a dissenting thought to what is presented I get a pit in my stomach. I worry about what others will think, about the backlash, and whether someone will simply say I am wrong or worse irrelevant. Over the years, I have gotten better at saying it anyways but I must admit the pit in my stomach is still there. Then a good friend posted this about gaslighting on Facebook and I thought that’s it! All my life in some form or another I have experienced this from just enough sources that it has gotten imbedded in my psyche. Like I said, I have intentionally been validating my own thoughts and feelings and putting them out there anyway. Plus, I know I am a good and assertive communicator so it’s not about me polishing my delivery. In fact, saying someone’s thoughts or feelings are wrong because they didn’t have a polished delivery is a form of manipulation and verbal abuse. The quality of the delivery doesn’t validate or invalidate the feeling. Granted there is wisdom in learning to deliver a message well and will likely be heard but that’s different that the feeling deserving validation. I have had the opportunity to be on the receiving end of some really poorly delivered feeling conversations and when I can get past my own ego and reflect the feeling I am hearing it’s amazing at how the delivery changes. Often times people get irate/defensive because they have been ignored, dismissed, patronized, minimized, abused for so long that they have nothing to lose than just let it all hang out.  There is a difference though between being the aggressor and being the one who is aggressive as a response to being oppressed. The slave owners beating their slaves is NOT the same thing as a slave beating their owner as they try to escape.Women, of all ethnic backgrounds, remain the oppressed gender worldwide. When their voices begin to raise and they are yelling at the top of their lungs just to be given the basic rights of humanity and they are dismissed as “feminazis” or “emotional” or “psychotic” it’s just plain wrong and when that has happened to you over and over it’s oppressive and abusive and it impacts your view of self. We will not have a peaceful world until you love one another as you would want to be loved. As I write this I am aware that not only have I been a recipient of gaslighting I have been a perpetrator…which is so typical when our culture has the adage “if you can’t beat them join them.” No more joining for me…I may not be perfect but I will be intentional about validating other’s thoughts and feelings and having enough self-differentiation to know it’s not about me but about listening and validating the other.

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