Hard Stuff
31 Oct 2011 Leave a Comment
in parenting
Lately, it has been so tough and yet so rewarding to be a parent to teenagers. As a counselor, it’s easy to feel like a failure as a parent of teenagers. I counsel parents and teenagers and know my stuff…really I do. Then in my own home I am faced with similar challenges…dating, depression/anxiety, bullying, drugs, peer pressures, grades, social media/texting, spirituality, etc. the list goes on! One philosophy I have adopted is that it’s better to give your teens enough freedom to make choices…good or bad. Over-controlling can be as harmful as under-controlling; the key is balance that is gained through wisdom and discernment. Too often parents over-control on the front end with rules and extreme restrictions or under-control with few to no expectations…honest moment – we’ve done both; more of the later than the former for me but none-the-less. Striking a balance between rules/expectations/guidelines and freedom is tricky and dependent on each child. I am finding out pretty quickly that one of our kids needs more than the other two…the rules of the game are changing. The culture this kid is influenced by is a different beast than the other ones. Each have their challenges but I am finding the need to re-group and re-strategize. This reminds me of the importance to parent each child as they are needing to be parented; which means developing a tough skin in dealing with the “It’s not fair ‘so-and-so’ got to do ‘x’ and ‘y’ but you won’t let me” statements. This is where I prefer the term equitable to equal and I tell my kids that each one of them get different boundaries, responsibilities and privileges based on their abilities and strengths. I find moving away from the “because we did it with kid #1 means we need to do it with subsequent kids” difficult but critical because they are different people with different strengths and areas for growth! Think about it if a teacher taught the same math skills to all students the same way regardless of their abilities and aptitudes we would be concerned so why not the same perspective with developmental/emotional/critical thinking skills? Be courageous parents and do the right thing by each individual child…some of it might be the same between kids but much of it might be different…Don’t cave to conformity if means a dear cost to the individual child; be courageous enough to think outside the box for each child. Trust me, I know this is hard but in the long run it’s best for everyone, especially the teen.
Parents, I urge you to expose yourself to a good breadth of approaches to parenting at various developmental stages and then adopt the ones that best fit the child…not children but THE child. Don’t get bogged down in what is right versus wrong…one way will be right with one child and totally wrong for the other and visa versu. Be adaptable and flexible enough to parent each child as an individual within the broader values you have as a family. There is more than one path to achieve the outcome desired. Our goal as parents is to raise kids that love Jesus, think critically, are developing the fruits of the spirit (love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control) and contribute to society in some way…each kid may and likely will take a different path to get there and we, as parents, need to be sensitive to each of there differing needs in order to support their unique development.
