So in teacing Marriage and Family Life at Concordia I learned a new term, sequencing mom, basically a mom that goes through various sequences in her career. I left a job as a waitress to be a mom, wife and student. My official career development stopped and I entered the world of stay-at-home mom. I wasn’t quite content solely doing that so I dabbled in jobs here and there…nanny, childcare provider, seamstress, and administrative assistant. Then my last child entered kindergarten and I started thinking about what’s next. When first grade came around for Ryan I suddenly had 8 free hours a day…wow! I went to grad school (all the while grateful that I had finished my B.S. when Mackenzie was little). Don’t get me wrong, parenting was not done but it did take a dramatic turn on a practical level.
I loved school! I was energized and motivated and passionate about what I was doing. As I wrestled with what I wanted to do God revitalized a childhood dream to be a child psychologist. I am not a psychologist but I am a child and family therapist. I fully believe that I became a better parent too. A few years prior to going back to school I struggled with feelings of resentment and depression. I really felt trapped. Don’t get me wrong I LOVED and LOVE my children and I also felt a need for a professional career. Hindsight is 20/20; the beauty of my career is my stay at home mom season was an assest! I qualified for jobs that 10 years prior I could never have dreamed of.
Now, 2 years into my career our family has had a large learning curve, which frankly I believe is a good thing, and I should have been more intentional about things earlier. My kids have always been more on the independent side. Ryan was making his own lunch in kindergarten, don’t worry it was only twice a month, and what it did was develop a sense of mastery that then lead to greater self-esteem. They were all folding their own clothes and putting them away by 1st grade and had chores. Recently, they have each taken point in doing their laundry! I got tired of asking them to bring their dirty clothes to the laundry area so I finally said if it’s not in the hamper when I do laundry I don’t do it. They didn’t bring it and I didn’t wash it…if they wanted to be clean they washed it. This worked best with the girls, the boy didn’t care if he stank…that’s changing as he has developed an interest in girls 
I have recently taken over the “bread winner” role. Tom got laid off in May and is in the process of starting a small business. This has meant not only do I work, I work very full-time. Honestly, I work 7 days a week when I count class prep and grading. Often I am not home until 7-7:30 and when I teach not until 9pm. Needless to say my role as mom has taken some drastic turns. Tom is now the one to drive the kids to appointments, intervene at school, make sure chores are done, and help with homework. Overall, it’s been good for us but it has not been without it’s low points. The other day Ryan said he missed having a stay at home mom. It’s taking some getting used to having dad as point versus mom…especially since I was home for 13 years before going back to school.
Recently Tori expressed missing meal times…we are all so busy we have become a grab and go family for meals. However there are evenings where I am the only one not home until after 6pm and I realized we could have family mealtimes IF someone took the initiative to cook it. This was one area where we dropped the ball. I was the main and mostly only person that cooked. This Sunday we ate breakfast together and it was nice and I challenged the kids to take the initiative to cook, they all know a handful of recipes.
The point of this whole post is I have learned to let go of guilt…I, by going back to school and working full time, have not caused pain in my kids life! Actually what has happened is our family has been forced to learn to adapt to change, become more independent/interdependent and take ownership of the rituals and traditions we value. Although, I think I did a good job of training my kids in doing day-to-day chores I took too much responsibility in making day-to-day rituals happen. So, I challenged my kids to make what they value happen, today in the here-and-now. They will develop healthy pride in making happen what they value and they will become congruent people, people who act on what they value. So often this is what I encourage in my clients…finding congruence, being authentic. Parenting often feels task orientated, training and doing tasks, but now what I am learning to incorporate ownership and authenticity. If my kids truly value and own the family rituals they will learn to make them happen, with support, encouragement and training! Being a sequencing mom has illuminated areas in our family’s life that needed a shift, additional areas for parent focus, and an opportunity to develop new roles.
I hope and pray that all moms and dads have the opportunity to be challenged to live outside the “box” whatever the “box” is. This shift in our family has opened up opportunities for growth. As I said hindsight is 20/20…knowing what I know now there are things I would have done differently. I think people who write parenting books need to make sure they have lived through enough parenting to have experienced some change of heart and growth! One thing I do wish is that more dads have the opportunity to become sequencing dads…some have, I even know a few, my husband for one. Breaking out of stereotypes and status quo gender roles opens up opportunities for growth…Let’s grow!
