Journey to Authenticity

all parents to whom I was the youth pastor to your child. As I have embarked into the world of parenting a teenager I feel deep remorse for every thought  and opinion I held about parents of the teens I pastored. What I am not saying is that I think you all did it “right” or perfectly…what I am saying is IT”S A TOUGH ROAD TO TRAVEL and the deep empathy I have developed is profound. I am a parent to a great teen but as great as said teen is she is still learning, making mistakes and having successes. What I have learned over the years is not to judge by outside appearances of either the teen or the parents. My daughter wears more make-up than I would prefer, tighter clothes than I would prefer, and spends way too much time on MySpace and texting BUT what I do know is my child is growing and trying on new “identities” and one identity she seems to be gravitating towards is one of a person who sets boundaries and doesn’t let others walk all over her. She has successfully dumped a couple boyfriends for controlling and manipulative behavior…which sadly a few of her friends struggle with. At times this gift in development bumps heads with us…fireworks ensue but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have learned that if I set too tight boundaries I would have a child finding all kinds of ways to rebel and if boundaries are too loose a lack of frontal lobe development would cause all kinds of havoc. The idea that the amygdala is easier activated in adolescents explains much of the primal reactions us parents experience from our teens. The task of a parent is to discern what battles to fight and what to drop…it feels like a land mine! What I have ascertained is the more my emotional triggers are allowed to lead the more battles that ensue. As a parent you can only model the depth of emotional intelligence you actually possess yourself. Do you find yourself emotionally “sucked in” to your teenagers stuff, do you struggle to stay calm, do you fixate on one “right” solution then, I don’t say this without personal experience, you may be struggling with your own issues. The further along in parenting  I get the more I learn about myself when I am willing to go there! Someday I will write a letter to my first born and it will begin with a huge thank you, for being my guinea pig, and then a huge apology for my steep learning curve! So all you parents who I have watched and learned from…I am sorry for holding  judgment in my heart and I completely understand the tough road you have traveled.