Archive for April, 2009

Parenting a Teen, the saga continues

{ April 15, 2009 @ 8:52 pm } · { parenting }
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I have resisted utilizing technology to connect with my teen. As a therapist, it just goes against every bone in my body, and still does for the most part. However the reality is technology is here to stay unless the doomsdayers are right and society as we know it will eventually meltdown  we are stuck with it…guess we’ll just have to wait and see ;) I am finding a system that actually optimizes technology and recognizes it’s limitations and utilizing each to make the most of communication. I am finding, at least with my teen, that engaging her in initial “conversation” via text opens the door for a great face-to-face conversation. For instance, a few days ago I received a text from my teen about her boyfriend. I texted back a  couple sentence response…the “volley” continued for a few more sentences and then done. The next time we were in each others presence the topic was easy to broach and lead to a great conversation. I have been using this m.o. for a few weeks now and it has helped facilitate several conversations. Do I like it…not always…however in reality it works. I am hoping that me entering her world will facilitate her entering my world…the adult world. Often, parents give up when they hit a roadblock in communicating with their teen and that usually ends up in disaster, at least for a season. As parents, we need to find the detours and use them to help guide our teens back to the healthy path. I will not jump into the whole texting/technology world with two feet in order to be like my teen however I will put one foot in in order to  stay connected with her and help her find her way to a life sustaining way of being in relationship.

Hell…I am “communicating” with you ( whoever you are) via technology…can’t be a hypocrite now can I ;)

Shy/Guarded doesn’t Equal Snob!

{ April 3, 2009 @ 10:14 pm } · { Henri Nouwen, Musings, Psychology, Relationships }
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The Beauty of Shyness

There is something beautiful about shyness, even though in our culture shyness is not considered a virtue. On the contrary, we are encouraged to be direct, look people straight in the eyes, tell them what is on our minds, and share our stories without a blush. But this unflinching soul-baring, confessional attitude quickly becomes boring. It is like trees without shadows. Shy people have long shadows, where they keep much of their beauty hidden from intruders’ eyes. Shy people remind us of the mystery of life that cannot be simply explained or expressed. They invite us to reverent and respectful friendships and to a wordless being together in love – HenriNouwen

I cannot tell you how much I love this quote and not because there is something so incredibly profound here but because this was and in many was is me. I recently had a friend tell me she felt like there was so much about me that she did not know although we have spent a significant time together, not a surprise she is a therapist. I have had people label me a snob in the past because of my self protective personality. Not to dissect my family of origin and not to say my perspective is absolute truth however to deny that I did grow up feeling judged and in many ways still do when around my family of origin would be wrong too…tension, life is full of it. Over the years I have come out of my shell because of another concept Nouwen well communicates, being that my identity and value comes from Jesus and His love for me and nothing else, but it has been a journey and at times a painful journey. Although today many people have described me as a confident and strong woman I often feel like a shy girl under a microscope judged and condemned to a marginal life; not as much as 10 years ago but none the less.  As I have discovered my true self over the years,I am grateful for my shy self that I hope never dies but matures and refines to helps keep me grounded and not overly transparent. I have learned that each of us have a depth to ourself  that deserves to be revealed to those who can treat our mystery with care and respect. That I believe is what I missed out on, care and respect, so this shy girl developed to protect me over the years. Now I have the opportunity to turn this into a positive character trait because it is positively motivated. I am not defensively guarding myself but judiciously revealing myself in the level appropriate to the trust developed in the relationship. One thing I guarentee I will be 100% authentic yet guardedly transparent. What you get will be true but may not be complete.