http://www.christianity21.com/
I wish I could go but finances won’t allow. This looks like it will be an amazing event. I think it would be fabulous if there were as many men as women attending this event…then we would truly know that real change is happening.
So I have wrestled with posting this but I think it is worth it…in all it’s transparency! Today my daughter showed me a pic on our home phone of my 10 (almost 11) year old son flipping off the phone as my daughter took the picture *sigh* Luckily for me my son was at a friends for a sleep over so I have had time to mull it over and decide what course of action to take. Initially my response was to over react, of course, but as time has passed I have settled down thus the appreciation for his absence. You see, often as parents we have a gut reaction that we need to allow to pass so that we can engage our frontal lobe, the area for rational thought, and truly come up with an effective course of action. I needed time to respond rather than react! (Parenting hint: respond don’t react)
It is no wonder that my children would engage in such actions. They are looking for ways to figure out their culture and decide what “fits” for them. They see friends, actors, musicians, ADULTS, doing all kinds of things and are “trying” them out to see what fits. When we as parents choose to react from a gutteral level we tend to fuel their actions but when we can take a time out, process and come up with a reasonable response we immediately take them off guard with a well thought response void of shame and guilt. I cannot tell you how many times my non-reaction to a child’s disclosure or action has lead to an amazingly honest discussion of choices and consequences and I am not the bad guy to boot! It really does work…parenting from love and emotionally neutral responses versus emotionally charged fear based reactions. My ability to regulate my emotions helps my dysregulated child calm down. Now don’t get me wrong I have my moments…just ask my kids. I have reacted, in anger even, parenting is not about perfection but about trial and error and learning to say “I am sorry I made a sad choice” to our children AND then practicing calm and thought out responses. I cannot stress the word practice over trying more! Try as hard as you want and change won’t happen. It is not until you learn the art of practice that you can truly gain the skills to make real lasting change. You see practice implies failure yet learning through practice…any skill worth acquiring requires practice.
So back to my action plan with flipping off son 
I plan to show him the picture and say “I am not angry but I am curious how it felt to flip off the phone.” And then just go where the conversation leads. Stay tuned I’ll share where it leads. I am sure it will be interesting. This is the same kid that the other night stated that “…it should be a sin to be a ‘Jesus freak’…” His rationale was that he has a friend who has went from being a Christian to being an atheist because his dad has forsaken faith in Jesus and his mom (they are divorced) is a “Jesus Freak” who crams religion down his throat…if it ain’t Christian it is demonic. His atheistic father is more accepting of him than his “Jesus freak” mom…no wonder he would choose an atheistic path. My son reasoned (my paraphrase , in adult terms, to follow) that if his mom was not so reactive and rigid he might still believe in Jesus and God even though his dad is agnostic. I am constantly blown away by my son and his thought process!
I am learning a lot about guiding parents in parenting difficult, traumtized and hurting children. I have spent tens of hours searching and researching a variety of parenting strategies and boy there are abundant opinions. It is so easy to get sucked into a book or strategy that “makes sense” however as a professional who is bound by legal and ethical guidelines “making sense” is not enough. I ordered one book and it was good…I agreed with a lot of what the author taught howeverI disagreed with some especially the tone that was taken towards other models. So as I decided whether or not to get further training in this model I researched more and found out not disturbing info but info that lacks empirical evidence and is mostly a self-help and cleverly marketed device.
I have access to APA’s database of psychARTICLES through Concordia and did some research in articles by researchers and found some great resources one in particular that combines my passion for family based services. I was further delighted that it is based here in Oregon at Uof O in their Child and Family Center called EcoFIT I ordered the text from Amazon and am looking forward to learning more! I guess my point in this rambling post is if you are a practioner in the mental health field…be repsonsible for the guidance you provide clients and know the facts and if you are a consumer be wise and cautious there are a lot of good meaning professionals who may not be using what we call best practice. The sad thing to me is that in Oregon is one of the few states that still allows counselors to practice unlicensed they simply cannot use the term “licensed” in their practice. As I have shared this with people they are shocked…which leads me to reiterate be a wise and informed consumer.
Some days I just want to cry and yell. I love the work I do but sometimes the stories I hear make my heart ache. Whether it is a child who was “spanked” with a wooden spoon so hard the spoon broke or another child that has HPV at the age of 2 or a mother that cannot choose between an abusive boyfriend and the safety of her children or a myriad of other desperate stories. There are no easy answers just taking one step at a time with families in desperate need knowing that I am only human and I need supernatural support and guidance. I do not know how people without a higher power make it day in and day out in the people helping field. I know for some it simply reinforces their atheism…how can there be so much suffering if there is a loving God? And in all honesty I have no easy or hard answer other than for some less than tangible reason; I do know there is a God and I do know God is loving and that God cares. I know that because of my faith I do not fall apart after every visit with a hurting family, a hurting child. I also am grateful the perspective I have when I face my own parenting challenges and I realize how petty some of the battles I choose to enter with my children are. Don’t get me wrong there are some serious parenting tasks I must face and navigate however sometimes I think we parents make our own job harder with the battles we choose. On the flip side I can easily minimize my own family’s struggles because of the severity of suffering and dysfunction I face in others families. Which is why I am grateful for a husband that keeps me grounded and that I can help him shift his perspective. It’s difficult to parent when we have different perspectives and different solutions however when we do conflict resolution well we actually end up balancing each other out, even if we do not see eye-to-eye in the heat of the moment.
