More questions than answers is what we are left with after our daughter’s recent illness which leads to a dilemma…what’s the story? I can tell several stories about what happened and the outcome…from misdiagnosis to God answering prayers to something in between. We are all dealt dilemmas at one point or another where we must decide how it all “fits” into our story. As my daughter recovered from her partial paralysis the doctors quickly withdrew the diagnosis of Guillan Barre Syndrome because the recovery didn’t match the usual course however never gave any other diagnosis other than a description of symptoms…we left the hospital with a diagnosis of temporary partial diagnosis…duh, we could have told you that Thursday night when it all began! The thing is we had so many people praying for her it is mind boggling so how do we include God in the whole saga without sounding “irrational” to so many…or are we fooling ourselves and it was merely happen stance and there is a reasonable natural answer even if the scientific world cannot give it? This really is a struggle for me. I was part of a church that at one point in it’s life had a pastor for which there was a spiritual answer for EVERYTHING…nothing was just because. It has caused in me a tendency for doubt of the supernatural that at times feels crippling. You see this church abused it’s spiritual influence and damaged so many people…even in the past few months I have heard stories about the continued spiritual abuse perpetuated by this pastor and his wife. There are also stories in my life when we prayed and prayed for physical healing and got a big fat NO! Which brought me to a place where I must admit the death percentage is 100% no matter how I slice it so why bother. Allowing my perspective of the miraculous to be healed, redeemed and corrected is tough because it means I have to trust God again in an area that I gave up in. I trust and believe in God in many areas however I have given physical healing over to science. Now I am faced with more questions than answers in a case made for House. I am choosing to allow the unknown stay in the unknown however accept and embrace and fully believe that all the prayers had an impact on my daughter’s healing and our lives. The prayers mattered…the prayers were felt…the prayers worked. I deeply thank all the people who prayed with what I truly believed was more faith then I could muster. Healing occurred and our faith was strengthened…I feel more empowered to pray faithfully…even for physical healing knowing fully well that the answer maybe no, yes , or not how you think.
Archive for December, 2008
Nouwen said…
You can deal with an enormous amount of success as well as an enormous amount of failure without losing your identity, because your identity is that you are the beloved. Long before your father and mother, your brothers and sisters, your teachers, your church, or any people touched you in a loving as well as in a wounding way-long before you were rejected by some person or praised by somebody else-that voice has been there always. “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” That love is there before you were born and will be there after you die.
Henri J. M. Nouwen
Throwing Darts
I am realizing that I have a tendency to “throw darts in the dark” and hope that something sticks. I think this is a tendency of dreamers who have not developed an ability to slow down and listen. I have gotten much better over the years, enough disappointments and misses or maybe simple maturity, but every now and then I get sucked into the frenzy of dart throwing. My husband’s job has been tenuous…he’s in the construction industry, enough said…and my response is panic, initiate dart throwing. I sent out several resumes, wrestled with what I would do if I got a job offer, and panic about giving notice to current obligations. There were days that I literally felt like I was going to puke over worry. After a few weeks, things have settled down and my mind is calm again, only mildly nervous about job stability. The thing is as I perused Craigslist for jobs I saw many that I thought I would love, they fit with many of my dreams for the future but they would have taken me off my current career trajectory. This is where the dreamer tendency comes into play; I have no doubt that someday I will leave the counseling profession for something more broad yet still in the psychology field but I think I got ahead of myself because of panic and honestly lack of faith 
It’s so tempting to open doors prematurely because I fear missing the open doors…patience…patience *sigh* I have learned a lot about good and bad interviewing (there always seems a need for a silver lining).
I led a service at Evergreen recently on Lectio Devina and in the process of preparing for it I was forced to slow down and absorb the Scripture, Matt. 11 25-30. In that section are the verses about taking Jesus’ yoke because it is light:
28“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
It was not until after that service that it hit me that I am trying to carry all my own burdens and still have to be reminded to take His yoke instead of throwing darts. Sitting on the couch is not going to get me anywhere except several sizes larger but working at a frenzy won’t either. Taking His yoke is not passive but it is active…active in partnership with Jesus as the teacher and the source of peace. I need to be an active listener rather than premature doer…I really need to learn to listen more. Prayer as listening is something I have been working on yet still find elusive. One way or another God is teaching me how to listen.
Is sad…
that the little community church Tom and I were baptized at 15 years ago has become a sattelite campus for a church in Gresham that is utilizing video venues there
The original church that met there was so not a tech savy video venue type church. It was a simple community church with down to earth people..it’s where Tom and I began our journey back to Jesus. I wish I had known the church was struggling before they sold their building…good neighborhood location for a good community, missional focused church.
