Archive for November, 2008

Curiosity, boys and a police officer

{ November 23, 2008 @ 2:33 pm } · { parenting }
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What a morning…I must say raising a boy has it’s pitfalls. I was leading our gathering at Evergreen this morning and about half way through I see a police officer come in. Instantly I knew my son had done something. I was able to put it aside and continue with the morning. After service I talked to Chip, who graciously took care of the incident, and found out the details, Tom wasn’t there today. Apparently the boys were building jumps with pallets and using a broken skateboard…basically goofing off. Which by the way goes against our rules for during church. Well, there was a 5lb bucket of peppercinis and the boys got curious…isn’t that the way things usually go, so they decided to whack the bucket with the skateboard and busted the lid. Someone down the street witnessed this occurring and called the police…my little vandal gotta love him. Thus the police officer at church. When I asked my son how he felt he said my legs were shaking…I was scared…I said good. He was a little taken aback by my response. I told him it was good he felt shaken if he had thumbed his nose at the police then we would have a whole different problem on our hands. I heard from a couple of the men at church about their run ins with the law during their youth and that was comforting. I am hoping that my eldership isn’t called into question…you know…all that managing the household bit ;) I am hoping this run in with the law nips some of the negative curiosity in the butt or we may be developing a professional relationship with Starla!

The funny thing is one of the characteristics about my son that I love is his curiosity and no way do I want him to lose that I guess its our job to guide it just like my daughter’s strong will personality and the other daughter’s creativity. It’s been paying off with the eldest child so I guess I need to trust that God has equipped and will continue to equip us do the same with the other two. The cool thing today was I wasn’t embarrassed…exasperated but not embarrassed. That’s a huge shift for me…I guess we all have room to grow.

A quick lesson in natural and logical consequences…no more skateboard at church and no more wandering outside without an adult during service.

My weekend

{ November 16, 2008 @ 7:28 pm } · { Life, Psychology, Spiritual Musings }
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So…I was on a retreat this past weekend and am feeling both refreshed and exhausted. I spent the time with a group of men and women who have experienced an abortion(s). I went as a therapist in training to better understand their unique grief and how to help support my future clients. The cool thing was it was not about politics or “sides” it was purely about the grief. It was run by the staff of Rachel’s Vineyard, a catholic charity and was extremely fulfilling.

Since I have not experienced an abortion I got to choose a child to memorialize through out the weekend. I had a  couple a niece and a friend. I focused mainly on my niece. We did several living Scripture exercises and a Gestalt style psychodrama. There was a lot of ritual and symbolism through out the weekend.

The  two rituals that impacted me the most deeply were the naming ceremony and the memorial service. People who experience post-abortion grief do not have the opportunity to know the sex of their baby and to name it. During this time we did a visualization exercise where we meet our child(ren) with Jesus. We were asked to sense in our hearts what gender the child was, the color of their hair, eyes…what they looked like when they greeted us. There was not a dry eye in the place. Then each person was asked to name their child and light a candle for them and place it in the living water. All I can say is…wow, pass the tissue.

Then today we had a memorial service for these children and all the mothers and fathers read out loud letters to their aborted children. Rather than being harsh and self-condeming these people had come to a place of hope, a beginning to healing. Their letters were tender  and compassionate full of longing and honesty. Many of these people had stuffed their feelings of grief and held onto guilt and shame for 10, 20 + years. I was honored to be a part of their journey and to support and experience (to some extent) their grief along side them.

My son :)

{ November 10, 2008 @ 10:28 pm } · { Spiritual Musings, Theology, parenting }
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I have the most amazing conversations with my son! He blows me away, if you are part of our community you really need to sit down and pick his brain and let him pick yours. He asked me if people in Idaho are radicts. I said actually there is a group of people called neo-nazi’s who live everywhere but also happen to have a large community in Idaho but not all people in Idaho are racists. That lead to the question are they going to heaven. Which lead to a conversation that ended with that is not for us to say however we are responsible for living a life that is as Christ like as possible and discrimination and prejudice are not very Christ like.

I then told Ryan that we will all get to heaven with some wrong ideas about God and he said really. This is where I said there are some people that think my role at Evergreen is wrong, I am one of the elders, and as a woman I am not obeying God’s word in some people’s eyes. Ryan…Really! that’s stupid, isn’t that sexist :) Gotta love him. We discussed that in the Bible there are passages that can be interpreted to keep women out of eldership but also others that can be interpreted to include women as elders. I shared with him that as I have studied and prayed I honestly believe that I am doing the right thing to believe women can be elders but that in the end whether I am right or wrong will not keep me from being in heaven or more theologically in line with my thinking in the resurrected earth! I kid you not these are not uncommon conversations with my 10 year old! And I must admit we have not done anything different than with our other children he just has an old soul or as in Finnish we say Pikku Vanha (literally=little old).

Identity

{ November 9, 2008 @ 10:32 pm } · { Life, Psychology, Spiritual Musings, Theology, parenting }
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Lately, I have been contemplating and teaching about identity…self. It is awkward because contemplating self can easily be misconstrued as selfish and in a way it is however when contemplating self is allowed to happen when it is developmentally appropriate, teens and early adulthood, then it feels more natural and acceptable. The problem is most of us were not given that freedom or opportunity to do the work of identity development when it was developmentally appropriate thus when we finally get around to doing it it feels selfish. For me that time was my early thirty’s and to some extent to this day. You see when it happens later in life it becomes more difficult and drawn out because your identity to some extent has been built on a false self or a mask of what “everyone” thinks you should be or are. There is great risk and fear in shattering those masks because you risk losing face, so to speak. However to remain in the mask means living an incongruent life built on smoke and mirrors that can crash in any given moment thus one lives with a significant dose of anxiety, guilt and shame.

I was reading Thomas Merton, “New Seeds of Contemplation” chapter 5 and as I read it was uncomfortable because it sounded so individualistic and selfish until I got to the last page…

Therefore there is only one problem on which all my existence, my peace, and my happiness depend: to discover myself in disocverying God. If I find in Him I will find myself and I find my true self I will find Him.

But although this looks simple, it is really immensely difficult. In fact, if I am left to myself it will utterly be impossible.  For although I can know something of God’s existence and nature by my own reason, there is no human and rational way in which I can arrive at that contact, that possession of Him, which will be the discovery of Who He really is and of Who I am in Him.

That is something that no man can ever do alone.

Nor can all men and all created things in the universe help in this work.

The only One Who can teach me to find God is God, Himself, Alone.

This is confiming to me, not that Thomas Merton has the corner on good doctrine, but that I am not alone in my thinking and teaching. I recently lead a small group in understanding the importance of identity that is grounded in God…Jesus. And that part of the journey of becoming interdependent is first becoming independant which for followers of Jesus is defining self in a foundation on Imago Dei…the image of God. I guess you could say being interdependant with God before one can be truly and healthily interdependant with others.

I hope and pray that I am adequately providing that space for my children, guiding them without controling them, so that they can avoid the identity crisis I have faced over the last decade. I want them to live mask free…proud, appropriately so, to be them selves grounded in God, defined ultimately in the person of Jesus and guided by the Sprirt thus free to be truly and healthily…self.

Accurate Classifications

{ November 3, 2008 @ 10:32 pm } · { Life, Musings, Relationships }
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I have been pondering the nature of relationships lately. Many of my relationships have been challenged and my view of relationships has been challenged of late. I value mutuality and equitability and it is the tension these two words produce that has causes me to pause. Inherent in the definition of mutuality is equality but the reality of life is that equality is not always possible. Thus equitability has become a common word in my vocabulaly. The quick definition of equitability is that each person gives what their 100% is to a relationship and sometimes that 100% is 0% ie an infant is 100% of a taker, as it should be. Some relationships I am a party of are one’s I give to however receive much, at least directly, less from, others I receive and give 50% to, others I give 100% and receive 100% and still others I receive 100% from and give 10% to. As I figure out which relationships fall into each category I find my “role” and much peace.

The one relationship that I am finally able to shed the bitterness from is one with a sister of mine. I was at a nephews b-day party and this particualr sister was there, I have 4 so guess away which one it is, and I made a statement about her life circumstances and she fully engaged the statement and elaborate, as  Tom says I used my counseling kung-foo. Then…no reciprocation, not one single question or statement about my life, no inquiries about my career, the add-on, or the kids….NOTHING! After months of no communication with said sister, my mother chastising me for my lack of emgagement in said relationship, and my shining light on to the other side of the story I finally have found peace. My peace is this is one relationship I expect no reciprocation from anymore, she is unable/unwilling to engage in a reciprocal relationship with me and that is fine. I have peace because I have accurately defined this relaionship. For whatever reason she is unable to give me anything and that’s okay, it pinches however it no longer crushes me. I have had knots in my stomach when I knew our paths would cross and I am hoping that subsides as I walk in the peace of our reality.

To expound further on this relationship concept I realize I will have relaiotnships that are 100% one directional, some that are 50/50 and others that are 100/100…the better I am able to classify, loosely, my relationships the more peace I find because my expectations are realistic. I have seen relationships that start out one way become 50/50 (or somewhere between) and even some become 100/100 but for each day I need to make peace with where each is at in that moment. Not every relationship needs to gravitate into the next “stage” however some can and should…it’s all about listening to and assessing my intuition, “gut feeling,” and applying wisdom.