Adventures in Parenting a Teen
So…we are three and a half years into being parents of a teen…a teen young woman at that. So far so good. I have to say I am really proud of our blossoming young woman. I had decided that I didn’t want to be one of those parents with a string of no’s. Saying no invites rebellion…I know from personal experience 
Tom has dragged his feet to indulge me in my strategy. It is hard to do things different than what we were raised with. He is a good guy that trusts me…what more can I ask!
Well…she has made a few decisions that have made me so proud. She broke-up with her boyfriend (DO NOT tattle on me that I am sharing this) because he was basically trying to control her and not respect her boundaries (again NO telling her that I am sharing this). The beautiful part is the thing that I have told her over and over is to ask herself “How do you feel about YOURSELF when you around X?” I never gave her a list of specific do’s and don’ts except for the whole sex thing but even then I acknowledged that ultimately it is her choice. So when she told me why she broke up with the beau, I was so impressed that…it worked. He made her feel like crap and she decided he wasn’t worth it. The beauty of it is as time has went on his true character has emerged…it isn’t pretty.
The reason I had her ask how she felt about herself when she is around x is because it will tell one of two things. Either she IS being treated like crap and feeling insecure or she is feeling insecure and questioning her self-worth because she is unsure of herself. In either scenario it is a tell tale sign that she is not ready to be in a relationship. A good and healthy relationship requires a solid sense of self. If she herself is too immature to handle a relationship it will show when she answers said question, if her boyfriend is the immature one it will show, too, most likely it is a combination of both…which is why as I support her and side with her I try not to demonize him too much but just enough
I am both loving and anxious about this stage of parenting. I am constantly recalling the memories I have of my teen years. The one nice thing about about starting our family young is my memory of the teen years is still quite fresh. It is still hard to be on the other side of the coin.
Dr. Paul said,
May 12, 2008 @ 9:49 pm
What an adventure - I have three teens, and one on the way (she’s 11 since Thursday). You are on to something important with the “no” thing. If you can find your way to “yes” it changes a lot for teens. I also believe that parents are generally very generous and benevolent for the most part. Some of the parents who come through my office think that restriction of privileges is the best form of discipline. A slight reframe leads us to allowing privileges contingent on good behavior - it just sounds a whole lot better.
Amy DeWallace said,
May 13, 2008 @ 9:52 am
I was again impressed with your family on Saturday when I got to chat a bit with your darling teenager. She’s a smart cookie and definately has a sense of herself. I told her how lucky she is to have parents like you guys who really make it clear that you care about her life. She agreed!