Archive for April, 2008
{ April 30, 2008 @ 9:32 am }
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{ Life, Spiritual Musings, parenting }
{ Tags: Anxiety, parenting, Spiritual Musings }
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is so hard to do. I have come to realize the one thing I crave I have a hard time creating…peace. I have spent the last 2 2/3 years working, studying, striving, being independent and goal oriented. All of which is not bad…I needed it and it was an incredible journey. I truly believe God was using this past season to build me up as a person…I had such a low self image prior to graduate school. I believe this past season I have been given the grace to free myself from a huge weight of an eating/body image disorder, low self-confidence, and lack of purpose and meaning. And I know he did it partially by backing off and allowing me to discover myself not apart from him but more fully in him. It reminds me of parenting and how fine a balance it is as my children grow up between providing boundaries and giving freedom. The older they get the broader the boundaries but even then there are times when I need to reign them in for their own safety and health. But then I loosen the boundary and give them freedom to choose more for themselves.
Now it is time to find some semblance of peace and getting out of overdrive. God has carried me through this season and He has been so good to me. He has given me much freedom and confidence in me but I feel he is reigning me in. There is this tension between God and me…maybe you can relate…where he wants me to be fully dependent on him yet fully confident in who he has made me and the gifts he has given me. God didn’t create me as a puppet, he created me as a fully capable human being that is able to think, feel and do. However if I forget who he is and his greatness this easily can slip into arrogance and unhealthy independence. I believe God is reigning me in and asking me to submit my dreams and aspirations to him which doesn’t mean apathy but means working in step with him. He is giving me time to relax and heal so I can fully absorb his goodness and presence…to trust in him and know that he didn’t make a mistake creating me (don’t worry that is not as dramatic as it sounds).
I hope as I venture into the next season I will take to heart what I have written…because I need to sleep. Anxiety is a sleep killer and does me no good:
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money. “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
(Mat 6:19-34)
{ April 26, 2008 @ 1:56 pm }
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{ Life }
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I am so glad I did not invite a bunch a people to graduation; my family was there, my parents and my in-laws. It was great having them there but I felt for them during the commencement speech. One thing my kids learned from the speaker was that Satan is after them now that I have graduated. They all remarked on that one on the drive home. Don’t get me wrong I do believe in good and evil and do accept that a supernatural battle is ensuing however this was my frigging graduation and we got a hell and brimstone speech! The whole tone of the event was dark and ominous.
I was grateful for the President of the seminary…he pulled the day out of a complete nose dive and left us on a more positive note however still slightly less than celebratory. I guess they were all trying to keep us modest and grounded…don’t be too proud.
I am glad I went and I am glad it is over. As I said in my previous post, it is time to cherish the good memories of this season, let go of the bad, and keep moving forward. I am so grateful to my husband and kids. They are the ones who have celebrated with me, supported me, seen me at my worst in this journey and they have paid the cost of my degree with me. I love them incredibly and look forward to eating sushi with them tonight!
{ April 25, 2008 @ 10:31 pm }
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{ Life, Musings }
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Tonight was my graduation banquet and every year there are students who are asked to give their testimony. Five of the six students who spoke were students who I have seen on campus. The one who I have not seen happens to be a pastor of a Seattle mega church. What bugged me was not his theology, that I disagree with on many points that’s no secret, but what bugged me was his self promotion of his importance (but of course he wasn’t trying to brag), the size of his church, and his responsibility to his “followers.” He couldn’t go to seminary like a traditional student because he had too many “followers and responsibilities”…training all those men! The weight on him (insert sarcasm here). The quotes are his exact words not sarcasm.
I was offended that my seminary gave him a slot on the platform and sadly I suspect because of his “celebrity” status and possible $ donations. He has had absolutely no impact on the student body or the life of the seminary. He had no presence on campus what so ever but his “testimony” was a part of our journey 
I am going to my graduation and am keeping the good of my experience but am so ready to let go of the pain and frustration of parts of it. I have a love/hate relationship with this journey and I am really going to work on focusing on the love…because it has been so good. Dave, Kay and Norm have been such gems of people who have sympathized with me and encouraged me in ways that words cannot convey and I absolutely cannot let their influence in my life be marred by anything.
{ April 22, 2008 @ 11:52 am }
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{ Life }
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I just turned in my last paper…finished it yesterday and delivered it today. What a journey this has been. Now off to the unknown territory of the professional world, juggling work and home, and trying to reestablish some semblance of a personal life. I think that is what I have missed most over the last few years, friends. It’s not like I have no connections with others but it feels more freeing now…especially my weekends. I cannot remember the last weekend where I did not have some kind of work to do, maybe 1or2 in December but that’s about it. *deep sigh*
{ April 9, 2008 @ 8:25 am }
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{ Psychology, Relationships, parenting }
{ Tags: forgiveness, parentin, Psychology }
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As a counselor I often educate my clients on the concept of triangulation. Basically it is where person A tells person B something about person C and then person B tells person C what person A is feeling about them. The basic principle is found in the “telephone” game often used in schools to illustrate the dangers of gossip.
Back to how this ties into me, I fell into the trap of triangulating with my kid and my husband Bad Tina!! And guess what it was a mess. What I realize it does is, it leaves the recipient of the second hand information with their hands tied and frustrated and it leaves the giver of the information having to guess what the original person may have felt. And although I am good at reading feelings, the closer you are to the person the harder it can be to be objective and communicate neutrally. Also what happened is two conversations got tangled together, one would have totally been an appropriate parent-to-parent conversation about the emotional world of their child and the other was needing to be a father-child conversation but when the two got blended miscommunication ensued. I meant well which usually is the case for most people who get sucked into triangulating relationships.
So what to do…apologize and set a plan to avoid it. One piece of emotion coaching is helping your child to share their feelings and learning how to communicate on a feeling level. So what I have decided, and knew all along that I should do, is when my children come to me to share a problem they are having with anyone but especially their father, is to help them formulate their thoughts and feelings and send them directly to their father to tell them FIRST hand what they are feeling. And their father can do the same for them when I am the source of their frustration. One caution however, we all have to decide if the person we need to confront is a safe person, someone who emotionally can hear what is being said and proceed in a respectful way. Sadly, some parents are not that, I am fortunate that both Tom and I are safe people for our children. Also, I think when I feel tension, especially, in my family it triggers feelings I had growing up and the past emotions get enmeshed in the present ones and triggers a reaction that embodies so much more than the current situation carries…that is a post for another time.
I am realizing that just because I am a counselor and have the training and education to understand elements of human relationships it doesn’t excuse me from continuing to grow and learn. I don’t have to have it all together but I do have to continue to be willing to face my demons, my flaws, and grow from them. I am learning the great importance of practicing what I preach and I one thing I “preach” is we all make mistakes and the part that matters is what do we do with them not that we made them.
{ April 7, 2008 @ 4:15 pm }
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{ parenting }
{ Tags: parenting }
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I have really been putting into practice what I have read in Gottman’s book “Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children” and what I learned in my play therapy classes. And it has been good, especially for me and Ryan, my youngest and only boy. He is almost 10 and has always been a challenge and a joy for me to parent. He displays the extremes of emotions, he is my most cuddliest and my most passionate and my most explosive.
Today he was upset when he was unhappy with the choices I had for snacks and I would not agree to his alternative. He ended up begrudgingly choosing a couple of the options before him and slapped the wall to express to me his anger. I held it together and simply reflected that I recognize his anger and also told him I appreciate he needed to express his anger and we needed to find a better thing to punch than the wall. He didn’t talk much, mostly pouted however I simply let him sit in it for awhile. I went and continued with my cooking and low and behold he comes into the kitchen and we discuss what just happened. Emotions cooled, emotions validated and some good brainstorming ensued. It really does feel good to risk doing things differently than how I was raised. I always knew I didn’t want to raise my children the way my parents raised me and my siblings, not that it was all bad but you probably know what I mean, but I also knew if I didn’t learn anything different odds are that I would repeat at least some if not all the ways of my parents.
It simply feels good to have more tools at my disposal to parent. Each of my kids are so different and being able to draw from the same principles applied in individual ways is very liberating. So many of the parenting books I have been exposed to in the past had a one size fits all flare, I am sure that was not all that there was on the market but that was my exposure.
{ April 4, 2008 @ 11:16 pm }
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{ Life }
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“Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people” Eleanor Rooselvelt
{ April 2, 2008 @ 1:11 pm }
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{ Life, Psychology, Relationships, Spiritual Musings }
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I am constantly surprised by my triggers. You know those events that are similar to past events that trigger an emotional response as if you are in the past event all though the current event is nothing like the old…emotionally. I like to think I have made peace with my past and for the most part I have however I am finding it takes time for the brain to heal emotionally as well as the heart. I think this is one application of forgiving 70X7 times that Jesus taught. I remember one friend telling me she knew she had fully progressed through the forgiveness/healing cycle when she was able to reflect on the past and not feel the pain anymore. Not that the pain was gone per se but the pain was healed and she was released emotionally. I don’t think forgiveness has as much to do with the person or event that caused the pain as much as reconciliation with God and/or reconciliation with self. I add the “or” because I think we are all on different spectrums of the journey and some are not ready or open to making peace with God however there is a drive to make peace with one’s own story and I truly believe if I respect their journey…their story I keep the door open for God to work. But I digress, the concept of integration of faith into psychology is fascinating to me!
I have forgiven the person who wounded my heart, and I know that it isn’t a one time act but a continual act of placing that event, that relationship before God. I do not foresee reconciliation of relationship with this person because honestly they are not a safe person at this time however only God can heal it thus the cycle of forgiveness is less about the other human and more about submitting it to God and being open to do as he leads. If that is restoration of relationship, which I think is God’s heart ultimately, than I will go there but not until God says yes. You see God is the only one who can read the heart of the “perpetrator” and know if the time is right or ever will be right to reconcile on the human level because he is the only one to say if that person is a safe person to be in relationship with. I pray that I will have the discernment to hear that and go there if the time comes and to hear what I need to continue working on…I know I am not a completely innocent bystander and I know I have learned a lot and continue to do so.
I do not assume to know the right answer but I do know that God’s grace is HUGE and I know that when the “ideal” doesn’t work out on the human level that the ideal can work out on the God level…we always can be restored with him. The whole process of forgiveness and relationships is so hard to traverse and just when I think I have come full circle and closed the door on a chapter…I have something new to learn.
