Archive for March, 2008

Mama Bear

{ March 22, 2008 @ 8:56 am } · { Life, Spiritual Musings, parenting }
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This has been a draining week. It all began when Victoria was sexually harassed on the school bus by a boy making crude gestures not just at her but on her. Before you think I am exaggerating this boy is a repeat bully in the neighborhood and we have had to over and over send him home from our yard for bullying. His parents are difficult to work with and the kids does not listen well to other adults. So that was Monday.

Then Wednesday, I had to physically remove a dental students hand from Victoria’s mouth. Victoria was in for a routine cleaning and check up, the first since she had braces. Her gums were tender and one area swollen, it was a combination of poor hygiene and irritation from the braces, a vicious circle we have been battling. When her gums are irritated it is difficult to clean the area well thus she tends to gloss over it and then the bacteria builds up, you get the picture. Well, the dentist took off her wire, broke a bracket, was pretty rough, and then Victoria became a “uncooperative” patient. Finally the dentist came to get me. Victoria isn’t simply crying, she is sobbing…we couldn’t get her to open her mouth. I made a deal with her that we would let the dentist put the wire back, glue the bracket back on, and we would come back later to finish the cleaning. The dentist agreed, and then ignored us and continued cleaning, Victoria still crying, saying ow, ow. I asked the dentist to stop…she didn’t. Then I took her hand out of Victoria’s mouth and told her “I promised Victoria we would only put her braces back together and I demand you to stop cleaning.” Boy did I get a glare…oh well! Then as she was putting the wire back I witnessed the roughness. Twice she pinched Victoria’s cheek with the tool, continued to prob at the gums, ignore Victoria’s owes, it was all I could do to not cuss her out…I did affirm Victoria’s complaints in front of her and she did pay better attention to what she was doing. We have had such good luck at the dental school, all the previous students were gracious, kind and gentle. Many of them were parents or they just knew how to relate to kids. I guess one bad apple isn’t too bad. I also praised Victoria for not opening her mouth. One thing kids need to know is that if someone is hurting them, even an authority figure, they have every right to say no! I told her next time this type of thing happens she has my permission to stop the examine and make them come get Dad or I.

Then Friday, I find out that the afternoon bus is out of control and my kids are part of the problem. I began investigating and it turns out that the bus driver had put 3 girls in charge of handing out referrals to other students, there are conflicting reports of who does what and these young 4th grade girls are the ones deciding who did it. UGH! These poor girls are disliked by virtually the whole bus, the bus drive glares at my kids (who I know are not perfect angels but…), and then I confront me kids and tell them if they did it they need to confess and that what is going on, on the bus is wrong too. They adamantly deny it…I am not a perfect lie detector but I tend to believe them. I even empathized with them and told them if I were them I would be angry too and might even say something I regret so it doesn’t excuse what happened but I want to help them find better ways of dealing with frustration. Still an adamant, no. I also went to talk to the bus driver and if she dealt with the kids with even a fraction of the hostility she directed at me then I know why the bus is unruly. The sad thing is after 4-5 years of Victoria and Ryan being at their school this is the first time they have hated riding the bus home. They usually love their bus driver which leads me to think this woman doesn’t belong on an elementary bus. There won’t be any resolution until after Spring Break, which sucks.

There isn’t much that rattles me…dealing harshly or irresponsibly with my kids…well let’s just say:mama-bear.jpg

All this made it really difficult for me to focus at our Good Friday service but it was exactly what I needed. I needed to be reminded of my true standing before God and what Jesus did for me and the bus driver and the dentist and the bully student. God, help me to advocate for my children in a way that doesn’t mar you and hopefully extends your love to those who are at odds with my children. Give me wisdom and discernment and most of all love.

1st Resume Sent

{ March 18, 2008 @ 7:58 am } · { Life }
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I just sent off my resume to Shepherds Door, a transition program for women recovering from addiction and domestic violence. I am applying to teach a class for women in the final stages of the program on healthy sexuality and relationships. I am not sure where it will lead but it seems like a good balance to my private practice. I feel very blessed to be able to craft a full time income (still to be actualized) on a part-time schedule thus leaving room to explore other ventures. Many times counselors, especially those graduating from my school, have a hard time reconciling decent pay for counseling. However I have chosen to see it from a different perspective. There are people who can pay for private counseling and then there are those that can’t. If I can develop a solid practice where I can garner 20-25 hours a week from people who can pay that frees me up to give 10-15 hours a week at a significantly reduced cost or volunteer some time to a non-profit. Shepard’s Door won’t pay much but I would love the opportunity to minister to these women. So if you think of it pray for wisdom and guidance for me!

Change…

{ March 17, 2008 @ 6:57 pm } · { Psychology, Sociology, Theology }
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I have had several interesting conversations lately about the ins and outs of women in leadership in the church. It began at Convergence and has flowed into a variety of settings. A key element that keeps coming up is the disconnect between the head and the heart. In our heads, for both men and women or at least those that adhere to a more egalitarian interpretation of Scripture, there is a cognitive acceptance of women in all areas of leadership within the church. However there is still an affective disconnect in that when one sees a woman filling the roles actively it feels odd for some. For those of us who have spent considerable time in non-mainline churches, and for some within mainline churches, we have not seen women at the pulpit. I grew up in ELCA which ordains women as pastors however not once in all my growing up years did I see a woman in the pulpit, nor was this even discussed. Then as an adult I was in fairly traditional evangelical churches where women were valued as leaders but never as pastors or elders. After I was first introduced to an egalitarian theology it felt “wrong” however as I furiously and diligently read, talked, read some more, processed more it began to make sense. In fact I think I rejected it for a long time because I didn’t want it to simply be a self-fulfilling wish. As the years have passed I think my heart and my head are on the same page and to not have women represented in the highest levels of church leadership is a deal breaker for me. What I am recognizing is that I have been on this journey for several years and there are still many who are wrestling through the ins and outs, cognitive beliefs and feelings.

This is why I am hoping this conversation doesn’t level off prematurely. It took several years, in the Western World, for the notion of slavery being wrong to really take hold that we rarely hear arguments for it anymore. Not that it doesn’t exist in the world but the discussion globally changed from is it right/wrong to how are we going to end it. Social change is hard to come by especially when it is tied to one’s view of God! I know I wrestled a lot with whether I was sinning when I first began entertaining the egalitarian view. Which is why I want to be both assertive and gracious…tough tension to hold. If one feels like they are engaging a theology that God is against there are so many feelings and thoughts to sort through. I know I will always need to cultivate the gracious side of it. When my anger is rising I know it is real and valid however I always have a choice to make in how I express it.

Women still need to be encouraged, sought out for leadership, have their style of leadership validated, and be intentional in being asked their thoughts. I don’t think this needs to be done in a “let me fight for you” manner however I believe true changes happens on a multi-faceted level. There is an individual component and an environmental component. Some of the most powerful changes can happen when the people in power use their voice to advocate for the disenfranchised whether that be whites for minorities, men for women, adults for children, rich for the poor, free for the slaves etc. I truly believe if we can change the status of women globally we can improve the lives of everyone.

God designed the world to be governed by both males and females, the Fall skewed and hampered that relationship however Jesus came to redeem and restore Creation, not simply to the Eden state but better. At times I think we have reduced the work of Jesus to a too narrow goal of individual redemption. I think God is concerned with the individual person however I think he is just as concerned with the fabric of our collective lives. His redemptive plan is for each individual and all of creation. It seems to me that Paul when spoke of gender issues, BTW he was quite progressive for his culture, it was not to define roles but to pave the way for the Gospel to spread. The conservative evangelical community has taken these social structures as a prescription for all times and I think has become a hindrance to the spreading of the Gospel in our times, especially to professional women. I know of women who have chosen to compartmentalize their lives into secular and spiritual in order to reconcile the disconnect between how they are received in the professional world (not that sexism doesn’t exist but progress has been made) and how they are limited in the church. Maybe some of these women have come to accept this disconnect as a mystery they will only find answers to in the New Creation. Which goes to show how incredibly beautiful Jesus is.

Think about it, how would a man feel if he was told he could be President however he, due to his sex, would not be qualified to lead a church. And why…what motivation would God have to set that dynamic up? There are plenty of things I accept without fully grasping…the Trinity for one…however this does not seem like one of those mysteries. Plenty of egalitarian theologians have studied the ancient cultures, languages, reasonings, to develop a sound hermeneutic to apprehend the gender issues of Scripture in a way that makes sense applying it to our times, that make more universal and transcendent sense however I realize that it is an issue enmeshed and tied to some serious fears. The cost for some to change their stance can be huge and should be shown compassion and patience. We as human beings strive for belonging and when people are considering different ideas then their “tribe” there is much at stake. Could you imagine the reverberations for, let’s say Grudem or Piper, if they made a 180 on their view of women and men in the church!?!? I will keep on talking, writing, thinking and most importantly praying for wisdom and guidance. I will use my voice to effect the lives I can directly and indirectly those around the globe. There is one quote I wish I could share however it was told to me in confidentiality so you must take my word for it…this is a gospel issue.

Raising Boys and Girls

{ March 14, 2008 @ 10:30 pm } · { Psychology, Sociology, parenting }
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I have two girls and a boy and lately I have been pondering the messages I want to send them about their gender identity. The two younger ones, a girl and boy, are less than 2 years apart and only 1 grade apart. I am wanting to be extremely clear and consistent with what I tell them about romance and the opposite sex and who they are becoming as individuals. Traditionally, in Christian circles, we tell girls “You are worth waiting for and you have the right to say no…to be loved without the pressure of sex or being objectified.” We tell boys “You have the responsibility to treat girls with dignity and respect and not pressure for sex.” I think both messages are good. However I think it is time for us to teach both messages to both genders. Girls need to hear you have a responsibility to respect boys and honor them by waiting. The boys need to hear that they are worth waiting for and deserve to be honored and not treated like cads. The restrictions and protections we place on girls are equally good for boys. If we want to raise children that are healthy interpersonally we need to create a safe environment for both genders to be free from restricting stereotypes and feelings.

I believe there are real differences between males and females however I also believe there are many sociological/cultural differences that are imposed on both genders that can be changed. I want to minimize the imposed sociological differences and honor the true and valid biological differences so that my children can grow to be truly what God has called them to be. As a mother with a son I am struck by the enormous amount of socially deemed inappropriate choices boys are saddled with. And I am not simply talking about playing with dolls or not. However, I am talking about the expression of emotions and the restrictions on their identity development that come with it. My son is extremely sensitive and intuitive, he asks the most insightful questions and notices the most unusual details of the human experience. On the flip side, he is also extremely physical and active as a “typical” boy would be, just try to pry the skateboard out of his hand! I would do him a disservice if I dismissed his intuitive/emotional side or worse discouraged it because of some societal fear he would be too “touchy feelly.” Oh how many marriages are a mess due to a lack of emotional intelligence on the part of the husbands! Women want men who are secure in their masculinity AND in touch with their feelings and others’. This is not an inherently illogical combination except for with in societal norms and expectations. The subtle messages both girls and boys hear are LOUD AND CLEAR! As parents, teachers, mentors in the lives of a variety of children we have a huge impact on their identity development and the societal norms we choose to reinforce and the ones we choose to reject.

Enough Already

{ March 10, 2008 @ 7:18 pm } · { Psychology }
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I am in a class called Test and Measurements and  it was a bad idea leaving it to my last semester. I am so burned out on self-examination. I have been on a roller coaster of self-awareness, confidence, doubt, anxiety, acceptance, and was finally finding some semblance of peace. Now, I have to take a battery of personality, intelligence tests (these are the worst), and brief symptoms screenings for this class. The idea is that as counselors we should not only know what tests are available for us to use and when/how to use them but also what it feels like to take them. I have an overwhelming urge at times to fudge my answers, to some degree I can tell what answer each question is looking for or what it would say about me if I answered in a particular way, however I have resisted. It really is anxiety producing to take these tests. On one of them it said I was trying to make a good impression…I was indignant and a little perturbed. The other tests didn’t show that I was “faking good” as they say. I frantically went over the questions they used to assess for “faking good” and low and behold I wouldn’t have changed my answers. In the instructions it says to answer T when it is always or mostly true and on none of the questions would I say always is true. I relaxed and put things in perspective, yes I do want to be accepted and liked and I am not oblivious to my short comings. It did do what part of this class was designed to do…produce empathy towards those who I may have do psych testing (which I probably wouldn’t anyway). I will definitely take this responsibility seriously and not lightly. People who have low ego strength and are struggling could easily be crushed if these types of tests are not used with the utmost respect and dignity for those taking them.

I press onward…only 6 more weeks of classes!

A Woman’s Story

{ March 8, 2008 @ 8:35 am } · { Life, Worthy Causes }
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In honor of International Women’s Day I would like to share the story of a woman I admire, Angela. I first met Angela in elementary school 4th grade to be specific…I hated Angela. She moved into a home near my friend Alexis and guess what Angela became Alexis’ friend too and a threat to me. I remember carrying my Barbie collection several blocks, past my elementary school, up the dirt path, through the blackberry patch to my friend Alexis’ home only to find, you guessed it, Angela playing with Alexis’ deluxe Barbie motor home, in my spot…UGH! I hated her so much.

Fast forward to freshman year, Angela and I are somehow hanging out. To this day I do not know how we ended up friends, water under the bridge I guess. Angela became a life line to me in the social realm. I was quite the late bloomer in the friends department, too long a story to share here but trust me I was a wall flower. Over the next 4 years Angela, Candice, Roseby, Lien, Lisa, Robin and I had some pretty awesome and crazy times…the stories I could tell! Angela became the friend of mine that I was the most bonded with…to this day we have remained friends. Angela was the friend who I first experienced cigarettes…cloves…wine coolers…driving like maniacs, inebriated from Seaside to Astoria to make curfew which we never made by the way and she is also the one who introduced me to Jesus. I know that picture seems very unlikely but in her teenage dysfunctional way she most showed me Jesus. She was raised in a conservative Baptist family and had all the guilt to boot. She would have these repentance…preachy moments that were freaky sincere. I went to youth group with her the same weeks we would party at the beach. I am not saying that I had a “conversion” experience because of her in that season but there was something genuine about her faith in spite of her other choices that perplexed me.

Then around her 18 birthday she got pregnant. I was a staunch pro-choice advocate back then and she would push back at me to the nth degree. This is where the rubber met the road…her beliefs were tested and they survived. Not only did she keep her baby, her ultra conservative parents were the most supportive parents one could imagine in the most healthy way I could see. They didn’t rescue her but they supported her…blew my mind! Angela went ahead with life. She managed to raise her daughter and go to college. She had to fight the state to get welfare support during college because they questioned her intelligence…based on what!!!! She had a high school diploma with respectable grades, oh yeah she was a teenage statistic in their eyes. They even made her take intelligence exams to prove she was capable…ugh! She persisted and jumped through their hoops and got her BA in education.

Life proceeded, I got married, became a Christ follower, had 2 children and then got a phone call from Angela. She was calling to tell me she was pregnant. She had not gotten married, her daughter was about 10 years old and I was perplexed…she had modeled for me of a faith I had not experienced before and without her story I would not have met Jesus. Well, it turns out she was raped, by a causal acquaintance while her daughter slept in the other room. She told me she couldn’t scream or cry out because she couldn’t risk her daughter waking up and seeing. So she just stuffed it and waited until it was over. She thought that was the end of it…well a few weeks later she was awfully nauseous and went to the ER. She found out she was pregnant, she told her story to the nurse and was promptly asked if she want the abortion pill. She told me her dilemma and her pain, my staunch pro-life friend who showed me Jesus was wrestling with terminating the pregnancy, I could hear her angst and her pain as if it was my own. To be violated in this way, to be discarded as an object and then to be left with the consequences of an evil man’s actions…where was the justice.

She chose to see the pregnancy to the end and keep the child…she could not give the baby up…she knew if she birthed this child she would raise it. As we progressed side by side in our pregnancies I was often caught in the thought of the conception of each one of these boys…her’s conceived from violence mine conceived in a loving marriage. Who’s life is more valuable? How could one judge? Her’s breathed his first breath 2 weeks prior to mine both reflecting the image of God…how could it be that violence and love are both the image of God? That I have learned through Angela’s choices…hard choices is the miracle of the love of God, His image is always a choice of love no matter the circumstances of human conception. Her compassion did not end there; she became a foster mom to twin girls when her son was about 1 year, I think. She heart for the least of these was huge. These two girls have stories that would make Angela’s seem like a summer breeze. The state worked and worked to try to reunite them with their mom however meth won. Angela fought and fought to become the girls forever mom, again the battle with the state was hard. How could a single mom of 2 take on 2 more…forever. The reality was that the likelihood of these two older elementary girls, with behavioral issues finding a permanent 2 parent home was slim. After years of fighting the system these two girls became the daughters of the only woman they truly new as mom.

46685813img_8713a.jpgShe was lonely and craved a partner but who in their right mind would marry a woman with 4 children, 2 of which have significant psychological issues? Life had settled down for this family of 5 and Angela began seriously seeking a mate. She did what she only could reasonably do and sought out internet dating. She joined a prominent service and eventually got connected with a possible match. Turns out this guy was roommates with a prior high school roommate of hers. I had the honor of being one of her bridesmaids at her wedding…there was not a dry eye at the wedding! The kids had all surprised their new dad with vows of their own…tear jerker moment if there ever was one.

All through her journey she clung to Jesus as her life line. I remember once she told me she would have pillow talk with Jesus as she fell asleep. Times got very lonely for her as a single mom however she knew her Jesus and fell asleep with him every night. She has inspired me as a woman who holds her head high despite her mistakes and lives out her convictions no matter how difficult they are.

Internation Women’s Day March 8th

{ March 6, 2008 @ 9:45 am } · { Sociology, Worthy Causes }
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March 8th is International Women’s Day. When I was at Convergence (a gathering of women leaders in the church)  a few weeks ago there were a few of us who remarked that it will be a great day when we do not need Convergence anymore, we may want it but we won’t need it. I actually thought I didn’t need it anymore but what I realized is I need to be a part of it not only for support and encouragement but also to give it. I forget that my journey is further down the path than many and I heard many of the same frustrations and fears I had just a few years ago. I also met women who are further down the road than I and I need them in my life! I think in the same way we need IWD because globally women are still fighting for the basic rights of humanity. In America and other Western countries we have come a long way, still more to go, and we cannot forget about the rest of the women who are still struggling for basic human rights let alone education and health care. The statistics of crimes against women is grievous and atrocious. As I googled for statistics I was overwhelmed by how hard it is to come up with accurate figures because so much of it goes unreported. Women who speak out in many countries get beaten worse or murdered.

I know there are so many people groups that are harmed and hurting…and with in those groups 50% are women so when we reach out to all women of the world we are touching all people groups on one level or other. Another thing to keep in mind is many of the women of the world are the ones raising the next generation and as we reach out to change the lives of women we change the lives of their children both sons and daughters.

I believe when we work towards human justice causes we are helping to lay a foundation for the reception of the Gospel. When Christians are conduits for healthy, just change we advance the Gospel in ways that preaching cannot. It is the right thing to do whether people end up following Jesus or not however the love we have from Jesus cannot do anything but ooze out of our hands when we do all we can to work towards social justice. I often feel like the issues are so huge that I become paralyzed or feel helpless but I am realizing that I can work in my sphere of influence very actively, bring awareness more broadly, and give to those who can go out into the world more directly. I think that is one reason I really want to be a sociology/psychology professor…I will have an opportunity to bring awareness to the minds and hearts of the next generation.

What I am also realizing is we need the voices of men championing women. It is expected for women to speak out for women however it is extremely powerful when men speak out for women…speaking (with both actions and words) to the men/boys in their lives about the importance of respecting and honoring women as equals…speaking to the women/girls in their lives messages of encouragement, love and support!

Everyday, but particularly on March 8th, listen to the stories of women…let them sink into your hearts and most importantly do one thing  whether it is local or global, direct or indirect to change the life of one women; it will make a difference for EVERYONE!