I was at Women and Wine last night and we had a great conversation. At one point we talked about the over emphasis on feelings in context to our relationship with God. On one hand I agree however I do not think it is as much about feeling but the kind of feeling we are wanting. I think in Western culture we stay pretty level one in the feeling realm. We like happy, sad, glad, light hearted, and the such. Nothing too challenging or too deep or negative unless it’s anger. I think when those of us who seek a deeper connection to people and to God try to express this in our general context we get push back with comments such as “it’s about more than just feeling.” And I agree however I do not agree that it’s not about feeling. I feel a very different kind of love for my husband today than I did 16 years ago when we got married. I would not trade the love I have now for the very “feeling” love I had then however the feeling of love I have now is very much a feeling and is very real. I feel it at a much deeper level in the core of who I am and it is much more stable thus less susceptible to the surface ups and downs that the former “honeymoon” love was. When my husband does something that upsets me I do not fly into this huge emotional roller coaster; I have a greater tolerance for differences and mistakes because the love is seeded in a feeling that is more stable. However in all honesty I do jump on the roller coaster of emotion from time to time 
In the same way I think I have seen my love for Jesus develop. I do want to feel him in my life and my spirit however I realize it does not always come with the warm fuzzy but it is still very much a feeling. A feeling of deeper contentment, deeper sense of being known, and a deeper sense of love that is less prone to wane. I hear from many people who describe feeling numb and I think many times this is a result of not feeling fully. We tend to push scary and big feelings aside and do not know how to engage them and feel our way through them to something deeper. Even as I write that sentence I KNOW it is difficult because so many people are not in safe places where exploring the deeper emotions is welcomed. Not that all places can be safe places but each human being yearns for belonging, it is weaved into the fabric of our being, and it is in those intimate relationships that one can begin to cultivate the deeper sense of belonging and thus safety for expression and feeling.
At times when I am in a season of drifting from God and not feeling his presence I wonder what is most helpful, press into God or press into people and what I have come to realize is…yes. It is not an either/or but is a both/and. At times I found the most refreshment from community and at others I found it in solitude. Usually it has looked like a wandering from the one to the other rather than a distinct sense that I needed one or the other. Another thing I have noticed is that my 20/20 hindsight is usually what it takes to see the hand of God moving through my life. Although there are here and now times that I see clearly it is a rarity. The shadow behind me is often a better reflection of God to me than the image in my the mirror.
The feelings I get when I reflect on what has been are so meaningful and real that it gives me the hope I need to take the next step forward. Sensing God’s presence is seeded in the story of my life and as I tell my story I feel His embrace even when I do not feel it in the current chapter.
