Archive for January, 2008

Change…YEAH…OH NO!

{ January 25, 2008 @ 8:07 am } · { Life, Psychology, Spiritual Musings }
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“The greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives.” William James (1842-1910)

I was reading this morning and came across this quote and it spoke directly to my soul. I am entering a season of change and it is just as anxiety producing as it is exciting and welcomed. I tend to oscillate day-to-day (or even within a day) from elation to fear. Last night I went to bed anxious and this morning I woke up excited by a new idea. My prayer life over the last several weeks has probably felt like a yo-yo to God…good thing nothing surprises him! I have been meditating on my centering verse from Exodus and it is amazing how it helps me focus and then anxiety subsides…for awhile and then I need to redirect my mind and focus on God again.

The future holds so many possibilites and it is scary. What if I fail…I might. What if plans change…they might. It gives me great comfort to know that the one thing that doesn’t change is Jesus. In fact as I have experienced He becomes more of an anchor…more solid the more my life changes. So here I go into the future one day at a time.

P.S. Just saw this one:

“Be sure that the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you.” C.S. Lewis

Selfless…

{ January 23, 2008 @ 11:35 am } · { Existentialism, Psychology, Relationships }
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A seasoned counselor gave me a good rule of thumb that I really like. It is a way to simple assess one’s behavior or motive. Is what you are doing:

Self-respecting: behaving authentically, congruently with one’s values and convictions, and in a way that you can stand before God with integrity (not perfectly! but with integrity and honesty)

Self disrespecting: usually manifests as false humility, disregard for own need, co-dependency, dependent, martyr, self denial, seeking flattery ;)

Other respecting: We are communal beings and our individual behavior can have a ripple effect…are we considering other(s).

Selfish which is defined as other disrespecting, this one I really like because I think we often mistake self-respecting behavior for being selfish. To regard oneself is very different than to disregard another. Often abuse victims believe they are being selfish and thus deserve the abuse…which is reinforced by the abuser who is actually the selfish one.

Of course this is not an exhaustive assessment however in my personal life I have found it useful. What I actually like is there is not a category for selfless…I think being selfless is unhealthy. I don’t believe even someone like Mother Teresa behaved selflessly…I think she live authentically true to herself, her values and convictions. She was fully self and not one iota less. Oh and of course Jesus modeled this impeccably…he was fully a human self, no lack of self…the one and only perfect.

Being me

{ January 20, 2008 @ 5:49 pm } · { Life, Psychology, Spiritual Musings }
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So…I did it. I pushed through my anxiety and lead the discussion at Evergreen this Sunday. It was actually easier than I thought it would be. I kept telling myself these people are my friends, they know me and I have nothing to worry about. Several people asked me how I felt about it and I honestly could say good. The best compliment came from my husband (of course) but no really what he said meant the world to me. He said I was me, I sounded like me, I said things like me and I just was plainly and simply me. I could not have asked for more. My goal for the last several years has been to be the best me I can be, authentic and real, tearing back the facades I erect and letting the real me live freely and openly. I knew that there were things I could have said, things I could have left out, and been more clear in spots. I know I can always learn more about the Scriptures I teach. There is unlimited room to learn more about teaching and leading. So I have no doubt that I have room to grow and develop in this skill set. And I look forward to doing just that. However in all the learning and growing I will continue to set authenticity as my overarching goal…be the best me I can no matter what I am called to do.

Emotional Flooding

{ January 19, 2008 @ 12:23 am } · { Psychology, Relationships }
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I have been struck lately about how many conversations I have had lately about emotional flooding in relationships.relationship-conflict.jpg Basically what happens is one member of the relationship gets overwhelmed “flooded” with emotions during an argument and often the other person keeps pushing and pushing for resolution. Finally the person that is flooded (literally with adrenaline) snaps and losses the ability to think rationally…basically the frontal lobe shuts down and the person enters survival mode. Ironically the verbal expressions that remain most intact are cuss words and the last coherent thought they had remains which is often repeated over and over. Most of the time when I educate someone on this dynamic I see much relief. People have thought they were horrible because of how they behaved when they were emotionally flooded. They felt like they became someone foreign, completely out of character. People who are usually cordial, gentle and kind become unrecognizable. It can be quite scary.

The great thing is with some basic communication education and if the person in the relationship who pushes and pushes is willing to back off there is a lot of hope for healing. It takes time to earn how to communicate in a way that minimizes your partner’s flooding. They also have to learn to engage in problem solving in a non-defensive way…to give their mate a sliver of hope for resolution. Here are some suggestions for healthy conflict resolution (john Gottman info modified/condensed by muaw):

5 Steps to resolving conflict:

  1. Soften your start-up
    1. Complain don’t blame
    2. Use “I” statements to communicate. i.e. “I feel____when (describe situation and avoid you statements).
    3. Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or judge
    4. Be clear
    5. Be polite
    6. Be appreciative
    7. Don’t store things up
  2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts
    1. We all blow it, give, recognize and acknowledge apologies
  3. Soothe yourself and each other (reduce flooding)
    1. It’s harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a woman’s…damn testosterone and socialization! BUT women get flooded too.
    2. Self Soothe: Progressive relaxation. Sit or lay in a comfortable position. Take deep slow breathes, imagine yourself in a relaxing peaceful location, single out a muscle group and tense the muscles for a few seconds and then relax them timing the tensioning with an inhale and the relaxing with an exhale. Repeat with all the muscles groups.
    3. Soothe each other: Give massages, slowly describe your partners favorite scene, go for a walk, etc.
  4. Compromise/find consensus
    1. Each of you needs to find your flexible areas in a situation.
    2. Make an effort to not only acknowledge your partners point of view but find a way to include it in the solution. (This is significantly different than trying to find a way for your own point of view to be included!)
  5. Be tolerant of each others faults.
    1. Your goal should not be to change the other but to negotiate a consensus.
    2. Resist the “If only…then” game

By the way…these are helpful tips with communication with you kids, particularly adolescents.

I don’t write all this as a distanced therapist but also as one who struggles with being the “button pusher.” I have had to learn how to recognize my spouse’s flooding triggers and back off. I really wish we had this info back in the day…I am grateful we have caught up and are continuing to learn daily!

The Count down begins

{ January 8, 2008 @ 12:09 am } · { Psychology, Spiritual Musings }
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Today was the first day of my last semester. I and my fellow students who are in their last semester of Case Conference (our group supervision class on campus) were given a gift. Due to the ratio of supervisors to supervisees those of us in our last case conference only have to do 1 case write-up…and mine is next week!!!!!!! This opens up a huge segment of time to work on my final paper.

This also provided the needed pressure to tip my brain into order. You see I signed up to lead our Sunday morningff_70_brain1_f.jpg discussion in 2 weeks and my mind has been going in 10 different directions. Every time I begin to write my outline I erase all of my previous work and begin again thus I end up getting no where. Then after I signed up for doing my case presentation next week my brain had its uh oh moment that kicked it into focus. I spent the next 2 hours in the library writing, reading and researching around my centering theme. What I am learning about myself is I need a healthy level of pressure to get my scattered, daydreaming and idealist brain to shift gears and focus. Today I got that push. My brain has registered the need to get my Sunday discussion outlined by Friday…plenty of time to practice (getting better at public speaking but still growing…be kind to me Evergreenies!) and then write up my case presentation over the weekend. Most everything else, school wise, can be back burnered. It feels good to have a handle on things.