Journey to Authenticity

I can handle a lot of conflict…with strangers and friends but my family…the stakes are more personal. We have entered the emotional roller coaster of adolescents full speed. Today I felt like I was mediating, listening, setting boundaries and feeling completely unappreciated. My feeling at times is to become a yes woman and let the consequences speak for themselves but the cost is too high. Kids need boundaries. When they are young the boundaries are more clear and concise with teenagers they get more blurry. Do I insist my teen goes to school instead of skip school to finish a project for one class? Do I physically force her onto the bus in the morning or do I just not call to excuse her and let the ramifications come…will there be any? What if the school has no consequences than she basically learned that skipping school has no consequences. UGH!

My gut tells me she needs to go to school and spend all her free time during the weekend working on the project. She has had several weeks to work on it and as far as I can tell she has done some procrastination. Also, overall I know her to be a very capable student so I don’t think she doesn’t get it. She usually tells us when she is stuck on some concepts. The thing is this is the first time she has worked on a really time consuming project and the time appears to be not managed well. A low grade for late work in 9th grade is a lot less costly than senior year or college. But damn it’s hard to let her struggle especially when I become her “enemy.” I think this is where parents get emotional and often bordering on manipulative. The trick is to stay emotionally even keeled and matter of fact..TOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!! When you become the source of all someone’s problems it is so hard not to react but as a parent of a teen it is crucial to stay calm.

The thing is teens don’t always see the boundaries via choices as loving…they tend to externalize the blame for their “poor grades” on everyone else than themselves. The task of a parent is to love, acknowledge feelings, reflect/brainstorm choices, allow the teen to make a choice and let them deal with the consequences good or bad. If children do not have to suffer through unfavorable consequences to choices at home, in a safe environment how hard do we think it will be in the real world where the consequences can be long term? You see poor high school grades are not as damning as some may think. Yes, maybe some choices are harder and some jr. college maybe necessity before university but not unsurmountable. Poor grades in undergrad are more difficult to surmount.

I am writing these words not because I am doing it so well at it but as a reminder to myself. These are words I need to remember as much as repeat to others. I am a work in progress as is my teen. There are a few things I need to say sorry for tomorrow but there are also some things I need to stand firm on. The trick is knowing the difference between the two! Pray for us! God, help me search my heart, help me discern wisdom, help me to discern love, help me to discern forgiveness, help me discern…shepharding the hearts of your children that you have entrusted to us.

So I had an interesting conversation in class today and what I have been pondering after that discussion is this: As parents I think we make conclusions about our parenting skills based on our children’s behavior. And I think that it is good rule of thumb…in Biblical terms…we must look at the fruit.

I am wondering if at times the seemingly bad fruit is actually the good fruit or not the fruit at all of our parenting skills. You see I believe that by high school a teen should be managing their own life with appropriate limits. My teen manages her own homework, free time, chores, etc. She ALSO must live with the consequences of her choices. If I parent according to this philosophy then my kid getting an F is not necessarily bad fruit. It simply is a consequence of choices OR a sign that she doesn’t understand and needs extra help. A responsible parent lets their teens live with their choices even if the results are not what they expect when the cost is small! On the flip side my parenting is not necessarily good because my kids get A’s and is a “good” kid. You see the problem comes when a parents validity and self esteem is tied to their children’s success/failure. Failures are as much a part of life as successes. If we, as parents, get too enmeshed with our child’s success or failure we miss the point of responsible parenting.

As a parent I am constantly checking my motives and at times, often, need to adjust my responses! Parenting is hard work and there are no short cuts. The kind of parenting I strive for is hard…it would be so much easier to be a control freak authoritarian at least for the short run. It’s hard to be examining my motives, biting my tongue, watching my kids struggle, and thinking up consequences when natural ones don’t present themselves. I have to be engaged but not enmeshed. When is it appropriate to intervene and when should I let life play out. The thing is there are no easy answers or right answers. Know your kids, know your values, respect and acknowledge feelings, it really is more intuitive than prescriptive.