Archive for April, 2007

Expectations

{ April 30, 2007 @ 5:24 pm } · { Life }
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Expectations + schedules + perfectionism = disappointment! Okay, I know we can’t take this hyper-religiously but for the most part it is true.

I remember one day I was at my pediatricians office waiting and waiting for my appointment. I had waited 45 minutes past my appointed time and let me tell you I was very frustrated and bordering on angry. FINALLY I was called back I can’t even remember which of my children was being seen but I do remember it was not an emergency or even critical. Then we waited another 15 minutes in the examining room. Once our pediatrician came in she exhaled deeply and proceeded to tell me what a tough appointment she just had and apologized for the wait. She told me what had happened, and honestly I cannot remember what the details were but they were pretty serious. These parents really needed her to be there for them and their child and she was. I felt both guilty and relieved. I was grateful I had a pediatrician who would be willing to anger a few parents to deal with a family in crisis and someday that it may be my family that placed her in that dilemma.

On another visit, there was another parent that was being held up due to a crisis and I overheard him railing on our pediatrician and she calmly was stating her dilemma. He just could not extend mercy and grace and laid into her with anger. I was impressed with her firm but yet calm stance with him. His biggest gripe was his schedule was way out of whack now and it was all her fault. He has to take out precious time from his work day to bring his child to the doctors and now she was causing him to lose time at work…Wah! I know I should probably be more sympathetic but what he doesn’t realize is that if the tables were turned between him and the family in crisis he would be utterly grateful for a doctor who was willing to go the extra mile.

The lesson I learned that day has stuck with me. No matter what one’s agenda is we all must make room for curve balls, the unexpected, or else we will live in agony. Our expectations will always come short if we do not allow for life with all its pitfalls and detours. I have learned to hold my dreams and hopes in an open palm willing to be dashed for the greater good. It reminds me of something CS Lewis wrote in Screwtape Letters. I am paraphrasing but essentially what he said is Satan wants us to dwell on the past or pine for the future but God intersects humanity in the present. We all need to learn to live in the moment and not to hold to tightly to the past or the future. Whenever I have expectations and I hold onto them too tightly I usually am disappointed; it is a result of me trying to overly plan the future and forgetting to live in the moment.

Perfectionism just plays right into these dynamic. High expectations usually means a need to be perfect and for everyone else to be as well. Disaster and disappointment ensue by the bucket full. I am learning day after day to focus on living a simple life with expectations that are covered in grace. It’s not say I don’t look to the future and plan and have goals but I do hold them loosely in my hands knowing that my life is not my own. So far He has given my the desires of my heart or maybe my heart has become more like His, either way I know He is good and just.

Change

{ April 27, 2007 @ 9:29 am } · { Life }
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Today is my last day at Concordia and Tuesday is my first day at Sunnyside…bittersweet. I have had a fabulous year at Concordia. I have found a passion for counseling and teaching. I have made some life long friends and colleagues. In many way I have found me. It has been a journey of discovery on many fronts and I will forever be grateful.

I am sure then next leg in the journey will do much the same as well as the next and the next will I am sure. I think the biggest thing I take away from this adventure is I want to take risks and challenge myself. I honestly am learning to care less about failing and more about learning and growing.

On a side note, no news on Tom’s throat except they could not see a growth on the ultrasound. The next step is to scope the throat and see if they can see anything from that angle. The worst part is waiting even though the doctor is not too concerned about anything serious. I pray he is right.

Burdens

{ April 24, 2007 @ 1:05 pm } · { Life, Spiritual Musings }
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Today feels like a heavy day full of doubt and heavy burden. I know when I get this way it is usually because I am taking on too much ownership of situations around me that I have no control over. Lately I feel burden by the pain caused by the choices of others. I wish I could say it is my clients because I can leave those at the office but it is my family’s (extended that is). I have some nieces and nephews making some really bad choices and hearing my sisters despair was painful. Knowing she lives so far away and I cannot go give her a hug is hard. She was the one who was pivotal in mine and Tom’s decision to follow Christ. She is the eldest and I am the youngest. In many ways she was more like a mom to me than my mom. There has been other stuff but this one was tipping point.

Then the other day Tom tells me he has a lump in his throat and I feel like there is no one to talk to. We are going to have an ultrasound taken today. The doctor thinks it is just a growth on his thyroid and not cancer but…I try not to go to worst case scenario but it’s hard. With all that is going on I get into these moods where every unanswered e-mail, phone call or text message leaps into my head as “Did I do something wrong?” Even as I type it I know it is a narcissistic pity party. People are busy, life is busy and there are as many reason as  why I do not promptly reply to messages as anyone else.  On top of that I am reading a book about a burned out Episcopalian priest and I am at the valley point in her life. Plus the sky is grey and I am so ready for some sunshine.

Don’t get me wrong I have much to be joyous about and I keep reminding myself of that. My God is good, and I don’t say that tritely. He reminds me of my weakness and of His strength. I need these kind of seasons to remind me how much I depend on Him and to put down the burdens at His feet.

Power of Words

{ April 22, 2007 @ 8:55 am } · { Psychology, parenting }
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I have been reading a book and really liked something the therapist in it says. He avoids the word try and coaches his clients to do the same. What he says is the word try implies failure. Instead he suggests we use the word practice. I have been thinking up sentences where I would use the word try and replacing it with practice and it works really well. As I think about it all things worth doing take practice. I think this will be a great parenting tool. Rather than telling my kids try I will tell them to practice which implies learning and then eventually success.

It is amazing how words can transform our expectations from negative to positive. Half of the work I do is helping people to see situations from different angles and ideally find hope.  The task is not to ignore reality but to open up the possibilities. What actually inspires some people to take action and others not is a whole other story. Once I figure that out I will bottle it and make a fortune!

Hope admist hopelessness

{ April 15, 2007 @ 8:41 pm } · { Sociology, Spiritual Musings }
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I was watching 60 Minutes and they had a story about the Bard College Prison initiative. It is an amazing program privately funded. The sad thing is the Federal gov. stopped funding college for prisoners in the mid nineties and we all will suffer for it. A society which is willing to forgo some personal inconvenience in order to help the least of these is better off as a whole. We each should stare straight in the face of these prisoners and listen to their stories and I bet the majority switched to survival mode at all cost at a very young age. There are some genuine psychopaths that will never be reformed, and their stories will be riddled with tragedy. And there are ones for whom hope is not lost…yet.

I know so many will say what about their victims. Well I say most of these prisoners will be getting out some day and would you not rather have a person who has become educated and has genuinely changed or one who is more harden then when they went in. One prisoner in the clip said job training is great but the college degree gave him a life. When you have prisoners read the great philosophers and thinkers one is reshaping the bad thinking that got them into prison in the first place. Paradigm shift! We are not going to affect change in the criminal heart if we do not change the root cause. Prison fellowship and other spiritual organizations work from the spiritual paradigm and Bard college from the education paradigm. Would it not be awesome to provide a broad scope of change agents for these people who’s journey into crime often began from despair and adult failures in their early life.

As a society we think it is easier to think in solely personal responsibility terms and I do believe that the person is responsible for their choices but their community played a huge part in the development of the individual. Racism, sexism, ageism, classism, and just about any other ism you can think of are ways we overtly or subvertly use to control others. And no one is immune. Each culture on this Earth have their own forms of hierarchy.

I saw Invisible Children recently and one part that struck me that relates to this theme is one of the adult women said the children are undisciplined and acting out behavior is rampant. The work it takes just to survive leaves little time for proper human development and child rearing to occur and the long term ramifications of that are dire. We need to act where ever we can on a prevention level and I don’t think the governments of this world realize that what organizations like Bard and Invisible children are doing are more than what we see in the here and now. When the children that do survive this holocaust in Uganda are adults they are going to be ill equipped to change their society most will be illiterate.

The beauty of the human mind and spirit as seen in the Bard program is that humans are resilient and it is rarely too late to intervene. I will do what I can now to spread the word, give whatever money I can, and time to promote these types of changes. Most importantly I will raise my children. I have felt guilty because I do not do a whole lot, too little money or time but the more I learn, the more I open my eyes I see three pairs of eyes that I can effect positively. I can begin by opening their eyes, instilling respect for all peoples, and love of God and all His Creation. There are no guarantees but the odds are in their favor.

Maslow has a hierarchy of needs and at the top is self-actualization and although he includes in there morality and lack of prejudice, I hate the label and I do not think it goes far enough. I think it would be better to say universal humanity or something like that. Somehow to get us out of our individualistic tendencies and towards global equality. Hmmm…maybe I have a doctoral dissertation to aim for.

I Blew It

{ April 15, 2007 @ 7:53 am } · { Life, Relationships, Spiritual Musings }
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Details are not necessary but let’s just say I blew it big time. I reacted poorly and hurt someone I love. I am sure none of you can relate (dripping with sarcasm). As I have gotten older my responsibilities have grown and my roles have shifted and I have a choice to portray an ideal or a real. I choose a real.

Reality is, no matter how mature I am or how together I am I blow it from time to time, take it or leave it. I will own my mistakes, I will be as transparent as necessary even if it makes me uncomfortable, and I will choose to confess to God and the appropriate parties involved. No matter what feelings are behind it no matter what “good” reasons I had for acting a certain way, without any excuses I own my behavior and I ask for forgiveness. THEN I walk out repentance and I allow time for healing. I want to make a note about the difference I see between asking for forgiveness and repentance. In my mind I see asking for forgiveness as a request and repentance as an act both equally necessary. Repentance is doing a 180 and changing one’s ways. That can take time to come to fruition. Both are necessary for relationship to be restored, if possible, and the full cycle of forgiveness is complete. There are times when relationship is not able or should not be restored for safety reasons. Thankfully that is not the case for this particular relationship!

Quagmire

{ April 10, 2007 @ 10:59 pm } · { Psychology }
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Two posts in one night…what can I say I have a lot to process. I have never been a fan of journaling but blogging has struck a cord with me, go figure! I had an opportunity to teach my third class on Monday night and it was great; the butterflies only lasted about 5 minutes this time. I taught in an upper division psych course called Theories of Counseling and the theory I was presenting was feminist psychology. I loved it. It helps that the topic was something that I am passionate about and love as well. Ironically though I do not think I will call myself a feminist psychologist because I am struggling with being labeled. As I work through my theory of psychology I am seeing myself as a holistic therapist…my own term. It feels really cocky and presumptuous for a masters student to be coining her own term but if I am going to be labeled I should have the choice to choose my own label, dang it! My current supervisor has spoiled me because he encourages me in this direction, thanks a lot Terry!

Holistic therapy as I see it is viewing the person as a quagmire of biology, environment, gifting, spiritual or lack there of (which as I see it is a spirituality in and of itself), inter and intrapersonal, multifacted, role driven being. I use the word quagmire intentionally because I really think that is what it is! There is probably more to a human being than that but that is where I am at…so far. In light of all that, if I had to define myself in one of the classical psychological theories it would be Adlerian/Individual psychology.

The more I hear people’s stories the more difficult I find it to pigeon hole people as this or that. I think I will see the DSM IV TR as a thorn in my side. One thing that feminist theory has aroused ( a word some students in my class defined as masculine!) in me is the awareness of gender schema, the gender map we filter information through in order to draw conclusions or definitions. As psychological research has been analyzed, historically speaking, it has been done through a very narrow lens and is skewed at best. Penis envy, for crying out loud, had no womanly insight! And ironically most clients of psychologists and counselors are women. This is why I value the voice of feminist psychologists’ in the field and will always stay current in it’s insights.

So what is mental health!?!? This question to me is so illusive. We function by social norms and expectations that are ever changing. Once upon a time pink was a masculine color but now it is considered feminine. Really who gives a dam…sheepishly we all do! I would like to think I am above all that but alas in all honesty if my son wanted to wear a pink dress around I would be concerned (I digress). A schizophrenic person in a collectivistic culture is less mentally ill (or impaired) than one in an individualistic culture. If someone with schizophrenia is not experiencing severe impairment (like someone in a collective culture) then it will influence my choice of therapy with them. As I view a client before me I must take into account multi-levels of assessment before I can collaboratively (therapist and client) create a treatment plan. In other words, I need to look at the holistic picture of an individual human being before I know how to proceed to help! Thus holistic therapy. Whew, I am tired.

Mental health…mental illness..quagmire!

quagmire.jpg

Flashback to Jr. High

{ April 10, 2007 @ 9:43 pm } · { parenting }
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My daughter’s friend made this video and as I watched it I remembered my own carefree, confusing, vulnerable, painful, hopeful, exhausting, exciting, and frightening years in Jr. High. I don’t know what it was about those years but they were at best awkward and at worst horrifying. I am so grateful my daughter has, for the most part, successfully completed those years. As a parent, I dreaded nurturing her through those times mostly due to my horrid experiences. I remembered what I needed but did not get and at times I probably went overboard with her. But I have no regrets. She is an amazing young woman who infuriates me at times and touches a part of my heart that few access.

The other day Mackenzie came home and had obviously smeared make-up on her eyes. No big deal you may think but we had a deal she will be able to wear make-up beginning her freshman year. I feel strongly about rites of passage. I spend a lot of time around the schools and both the young men and young women are moving too quickly through the milestones. So when I set that landmark for my daughter it was intentional and a privilege for her responsible choices. What struck me about catching her wearing make-up before her time was I saw myself standing at my 8th grade locker showing my mom my locker when my forbidden mascara rolled out of my locker and landed at my mom’s feet. Conviction…do I throw the book at my daughter…do I extend grace?

I extended grace. I told her my story and empathized with her AND I stood my ground and said the time line stays put.  I can’t keep her from growing up but I can stand firm. I have heard of parents allowing minors to party with alcohol at their home because at least it’s safer. I understand the fear and the good intention but the danger of the message being sent well it should be obvious. After learning about frontal lobe development which does not fully develop until the late teens early twenties and that it is the center of impulse control this scenario is a cocktail for disaster. So what is a parent to do? The best choice I see is entering into a contract with your teen to that says if you find yourself in a dangerous place you have the freedom to call a parent to be picked up no questions asked, no shame but consequences yes. Discuss the consequences ahead of time and make sure the teen buys into them as reasonable. That way there are no surprises. Second follow through, check your emotions, don’t freak out if the call comes and follow through with the consequences! Did I say follow through with the consequences? If not follow through with the consequences. By the way Mackenzie is getting a cell phone for eighth grade graduation (just for this very reason) SHHH, it’s a surprise! I’ll tape the response and I’ll guarantee you, you will need to turn the volume way down!

What if…

{ April 3, 2007 @ 6:10 pm } · { Psychology, Spiritual Musings }
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I have written a bit about my frustrations with my school. Today I had one of those days where I am so glad I chose the school I did. I am in a class where we are talking about groups and each of us has to present on a group we would want to facilitate. Part of it is also to share how we think this group would be beneficial for the church. We talked about sex like I have rarely been exposed to in a Christian setting. It was exhilarating because it was so true and so respectful. The sad thing is that one of the presenters said that in order to get good facts on female masturbation for a class report she had to go to sources in the gay and lesbian community. The church is silent in areas where the world is screaming. It is almost like we think not talking about sex will make people not want to do it. Yeah, right who are we fooling. Maybe if we made it normal and healthy to talk, in appropriate settings, about sexuality we could actually make a difference. I find it interesting that in my counseling classes whenever we talk about sex and sexual issues the professors have us close the door. I would think that it would be beneficial for pastors to be talking as we counselors do about this stuff. It is almost as if the message is being sent that the non-counseling students would be offended if they heard what we talked about but I am wondering if that is true and if so why?

I have pondered what would it take for this to even remotely be possible, for the church to talk about the tough issues of our culture openly and frankly. I think a key is we, as Christ followers, need to set aside our need to right wrong behavior and be willing to sit with someone as they dig to the core of the issue. The more I read Scripture and the more I search my soul and meditate on it the more I realize that behaviors are often symptoms of sin. Don’t get me wrong I think behavior matters and Scripture speaks to this too but only stopping bad behaviors without understanding the need that was trying to be met seems futile to me. I understand not everyone, especially clients I will have, are wanting or ready to go there. But in the church I think we need to raise the bar as Christ followers and model and encourage a deeper vulnerability to the Holy Spirit.

This is one of those areas, though, where it is easy to be used in a manipulative way. Which brings me to Henri Nouwen. In Reaching Out he writes about our movement from loneliness to solitude, hostility to hospitality and illusion to prayer. One thing that he emphasizes over and over is a persons ability to be in solitude before God and how that frees them up to enter into authentic relationship with no (or at least minimal) strings attached. I am so okay with me and God that I can genuinely love you for who you are. I can respect and honor your journey. My words to you are not about me but gifts, including the hard words that need to be said. Another element we need to understand is that solitude is not an event that occurs but it is a journey that is continual and in process. As soon as I think I have arrived I am a fool. As I read Reaching Out I kept thinking of it as a circle that advances in depth but a circle none the less. I think I enter a new season of figuring out what solitude really is with the knowledge and wisdom I brought from the previous cycle of the three movements. In other words I cycled through solitude, hospitality, and prayer (and it’s negative counterparts) and now I need to cycle through it again incorporating the new understanding. God is continually at work refining and purifying me, if I let him.

I am going to try to bring this back to my first paragraph. Sexuality is a tough topic because there is so much sin behavior associated with it but if we can set that aside and go to the heart of what surrounds sex and what need many people are trying to meet, I think, often we find loneliness. Christians are not immune to it. In fact how many Christians get married thinking they can legitimately have a sexual union and stave off loneliness. (Hostility and illusion are a whole new post!) Loneliness, ultimately cannot be dealt with apart from God. Sex becomes a false god and so does marriage if we use it to fill a need it can never fill. When most of Christ followers’ sex ed comes from secular sources we end up with some very mixed messages and I think we have even worse mixed messages from the church :( , historically speaking that is. Hopefully what is happening at my little seminary will spread to the pastoral classes, if they have not already, and eventually the churches.