Archive for March, 2007

On a lighter note

{ March 28, 2007 @ 7:55 am } · { Life, Musings }
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We spent this last weekend at my parents and there is one experience I miss from my childhood; saunas (pronounced sownas not sawnas). This is not just your typical spa sauna but is a steam extravaganza. The air temp is about 175 F and then you pour a cup of water on the hot rocks and the steam enters every pore…forcing them open. It is really exhilarating. I have been taking saunas since I was about 1 week old (less steam though). I miss them and I told Tom if at all possible our next house will have a wood burning sauna. The electric saunas are nice and convenient but the aroma of a wood burning stove just cannot be matched. My cousins in Minnesota have a wood burning sauna next to the lake at their vacation cabin and we would take a sauna and get all steamy hot and then jump into the cool lake of northern Minnesota. My dad did that in the snowbanks of his home on Finland.

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If you are a die hard sauna user you would take birch whisks (sauna vihta)  and gently whip your skin to open up the pores. I know Finns are odd but if you lived in a country that gets the least amount of annual sun and the most snow you would have to find creative ways to enjoy your life too!

I love saunas and after not having one for about 6 months I am determined to get out to my parents more often. there is nothing better to make you feel clean and peaceful. It really is a kind of spiritual experience. There is not much else that can relax you to the extent a sauna does. We often plan a night out on Saturdays when we go to my parents but we have learned to take our sauna a few hours before going out because you are guaranteed to need a nap after devouring a big glass of water. If you can’t tell I am very grateful for my heritage and its traditions. I hope I can pass on at least a few them to my kids.

Standing Firm, Extending Grace

{ March 22, 2007 @ 10:19 am } · { Spiritual Musings, Theology }
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I have had a love/hate relationship with my seminary. I am working towards my MA in Counseling and have no regrets choosing that program but I am required to take some bible/theology/and spiritual formation classes. In light of what a fellow student wrote (thanks Bob for the link) I am getting anxious for my summer semester. I took all counseling courses this semester so I will have 3 bible/spiritual formations classes this summer. And I am in a very different space than I was when I began this program. I am not going to hold back, I am tired of feeling like a second class student, especially when I aced the theology series. I can hold my own in the good ol’ boys club, thank you very much!

On the other hand I don’t want to be seen as a militant bitch either. I really do want to engage in a healthy level of dialogue and conflict if it arises. I don’t anticipate any issues with the profs but the male students can be another story. Through the grapevine I have heard that I already am seen as a “strong” woman on campus which boggles my mind so in light of that I want to portray a woman of strength filled with grace but who stands by her convictions.

I wish I could have some of these men walk in our shoes and here the messages they are telling the women in their life, especially their daughters. The dependent, spineless, and mixed messages these young minds are being fed. For women we often hear the message to evangelize, spread the gospel, be strong in your faith, but don’t be too strong, don’t try to teach us, know your place! I wish they could hear some of the stories I hear. I have hope that things can change.

In my 15 years as a Christian I have seen some amazing leaps forward. The fact that William J Webb, Craig S Keener, Sarah Sumner, and Rebecca Merril Groothuis to name a few are speaking out on a national level and challenging the standard theology of women and are being engaged in dialogue is fantastic. I hear more discussions on the lay level than I have ever before, more questions, different answers, steps forward…status quo being challenged.

I know that there will always be disagreement around the issue of women in the church and I hope we can learn to live harmoniously, respectfully as fellow disciples of Christ. That the message we communicate to the world should be that we may not agree on all theological issues but we still conduct ourselves with love and respect of all peoples…I still dream of a unified theology for women being  in all levels of church leadership. A woman can dream can’t she!

You want to know what THAT means!

{ March 21, 2007 @ 9:08 am } · { parenting }
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So may daughter and I have been in “negotiations” as to who decides what books and what movies she gets to watch. She believes she should get to watch any PG-13 movie she wants but Tom and I have been screening them. She is beginning High school next year so I know I have to let go and give her the reigns of her life, with in reason of course.

The cool thing that happened during our conversation was I told her that we will let her watch PG-13 movies if she lets us know which ones she sees and if she has any questions or concerns she will talk to us. I even told her that if she is not comfortable talking to me on some things that she could talk to one of her adult friends at Evergreen, and I named a few. She said she preferred to speak to me. WOW! This is new territory for me. I never talked to my mom about anything personal so I was expecting her to  not want to talk with me. I am glad I was wrong. Don’t get me wrong she loves the women at Evergreen and they play a huge role in her life but they can’t be mom.

We came to the agreement if we kept the lines of communication open and she talked to us about her concerns then we would continue to give her more and more control over her life decisions. Then the questions came. She wanted to know what some slang terms meant that she hears around school…the rubber meets the proverbial road!  I never wanted my kids to be ignorant nor naive but the reality is then you have to get comfortable talking about some deep and uncomfortable stuff. I would rather her hear it from me than her friends, who knows what they would say.

Existential Aloneness

{ March 19, 2007 @ 7:33 am } · { Psychology, Theology }
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Yesterday was a weird day. I had a deep sense of aloneness all day. No one did anything wrong, no one snubbed me or ignored me, there was no precipitous event just an utter sense of aloneness. It reminded me of the existential task of making peace with aloneness. Maybe this is on my mind because of the Nouwen book I just read “Reaching Out”. I am part of a book group so I probably should save this until then but…

There is this concept in existential psychology that aloneness is a piece of the mind puzzle that we all navigate. I must admit this is not a concept in existential thought that I gravitated to. I am a community person, I believe whole heartedly in the fact that we are all created as social beings. We need relationships to fully come to terms with our essence of being. As Adler says, “All people are born into community” But I was sitting in church surrounded by people and struck with this sense of aloneness. We were discussing the role of theology in our community and maybe it had nothing to do with the topic or maybe…

I think as I grapple with my existence and ponder the question who am I and what does God have to do with it I am hit with the fact that at one point I stand before God and God alone. Me and God and no one else. I have to come to terms with the fact that when all is said and done I answer to no one but God and I answer with my actions. It scares the crap out of me to sit still and let God gaze into my deepest parts but I am so drawn to it. It is a love hate relationship with being known and to know. I can’t hide and to do so is futile and laughable. It really puts me in a vulnerable place.

Nouwen talks about moving from loneliness to solitude. And I love what he has to say about it! I won’t go into it here, read it for yourself. Over the past few years I feel myself making the shift from loneliness to solitude. In the process I feel like I am facing my loneliness…seeing it for the lie that it is. We all feel loneliness but when you have an encounter with the God of all Creation there is no place for loneliness. God is ever present. In fact I believe he intersects humanity in the present. He has given us the past and forecasts the future but He relates in the present. His relationship to humanity is in the here and now!
As my knowledge of God increases so does my fear of God. I like the facade I can create for others’ consumption. I like the accolades and compliments but they ring shallow. As I reach out to know God…to know Jesus…to embrace His ways; I must come to terms with the facade. For me my facade is not some devious and mean spirited manipulation of the truth but like most others it stems from a fear of truly being known and aloneness. God truly knowns me and that scares the hell out of me and comforts me to no end. Making an intentional decision to known my Creator forces me come to terms with loneliness. In that process I feel like I am coming to a place of solitude. Solitude is making peace with our aloneness before God. I am, I act, I react for an audience of one…ultimately. If I can get to the point where I make peace with my individualism with God I am freed up to be a person invested in community because I can enter it with no strings attached. Now with all that being said I think I need to commit to community before I have arrived. It is a process where we as imperfect people choose to know God and choose community but until heaven we will all be in an imperfect relationship to God and to one another.

I won’t need people to fill some void in me because God does that…He is the only one that can do that. I can then receive and give relationship without a need for others to define me. God and me can define me, thank you very much. What then does the community that surround me do? They enhance and refine me. They don’t define me…God has already taken care of that but they take what God has defined and make it colorful. As I venture into this realm of facing my aloneness and with the help of the Holy Spirit transform it into solitude I fear the unknown..but I choose to fear God more or a least I try!

Eating Disorders

{ March 12, 2007 @ 8:49 pm } · { Psychology }
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WARNING: the video has some disturbing pictures but no full nudity.

I have been working on a presentation on eating disorders for a class I am guest lecturing in at Concordia. I was looking for a visual to accompany my presentation and came upon this. I cried as I watched the young lady draw her perceived body and compare it to her real outline. Then she proceeds to comment on her flaws. I cried because I have been there and I know what she is feeling. It has not been until the last 5 years that I have made peace with myself and my body. It has been a long and trying battle and I would not wish it upon anyone. My biggest battle was to learn to look for my internal and God sense of self rather than external/media cues. At times I still at 36 find myself wondering if I should lose some pounds not out of health but for thinness, thank God (literally) I have learned to catch myself and center myself back in God and truth.

The two greatest risk factors for eating disorders in women that I have come across are media/peer/social pressures and a authoritarian family system. As a parent of a teen girl and a pre-teen girl I am hyperviligant about healthy lifestyle and self acceptance. Both my girls are thin and I have to guard against them getting over praised for their body style (sadly this occurs with my extended family most :( ). The focus should never be on their body because first of all it has more to do with genes than anything else. I want to help my daughters develop healthy eating and exercising habits along side of healthy values around body/self image. They are precious and beautiful for so many more valuable traits. My eldest daughter has developed a habit of asking me what I think about her outfit in the morning. I always respond with “How do you like it?” unless it is a modesty issue then I gently tell her to go change. The point is it really does not matter what I think I want her to gain a sense of self awareness that is her own…that she likes. The biggest gift we can give our children is an internal sense of self and worth, and for me as a Christian one that is grounded in Jesus..His beloved!

I also have a son and the rise in eating disorders in males especially athletic males is scary. The desire to have a six pack and be buff is predominant. And on the surface the body appearance may seem good and healthy but when the self perception becomes distorted the men don’t see the muscle they see the fat in an exaggerated fashion. So although women are the greatest at risk population we must not neglect the men. Also, men even if they do not struggle with eating disorders or body image need understand their contribution to the women’s issue. Our young men need guidance about healthy relationships, sexuality, and valuing enduring qualities in the opposite sex over physical qualities.

End of soap box!

Mackenzie…the Years Fly By

{ March 11, 2007 @ 3:06 pm } · { parenting }
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It’s hard to believe the little girl above is 14 and starting high school in the fall. At times, often, it scares the begeezies out of me that we only have 4 more years with her before she is off to college. I feel like I have so much I want her to know and understand before she is gone but alas there are lessons she must learn on her own.

Mackenzie and I were home alone after church today so we went to the mall and just bummed around. I hate the mall…but she loves it. Although I don’t want to encourage the whole shopping mentality I also don’t want to go to the other extreme and say never. I guess the best way to teach moderation is to model it. We had a great time getting coffee, window shopping, and just chit chatting. We both remarked in disgust how many scantily clad models and mannequins of women we saw but none of men, not that we want to see them but the sexism is so blatant. It’s great to have the talks with my girls that my mom never had with me. To teach them that our bodies are precious and valuable and not for display, to help them have a healthy body image and self image, to help them understand human relationships and sexuality in a way that is healthy and God honoring. It seems like a daunting task but so desperately needed.

The scariest thing is the boys that keep calling. Last week she got like 5 phone calls that I know of and 3 of them were from boys. And she went on a youth group retreat and the guest she brought was a boy. Now, she insists that they are all just friends and she did invite a couple of girls to go but they could not come but as a parent it makes me nervous. I want her to have healthy friendships with boys to know the boundaries and to guard against looking outwards for fulfillment and wholeness. I have often said to the young people, both men and women, that come through my counseling office that the healthiest way to develop relationships is to come to it as a whole being not looking for someone else to fill in the missing pieces. But to come complete and satisfied as a self so that you can give and receive without strings attached. It is a tough task that requires self awareness and intentionality in relationships which we rarely see modeled. I want to model that as best as I can to my kids. I want to help nurture them as individuals and as children of God.

I am learning that more so now than ever before I have to keep the lines of communication open and when she tells us of choices she makes we need to stay even keeled. In fact twice she made a choice that was contrary to our family rules (don’t worry nothing major) but the next day she woke up bawling. I was waiting for the big bomb to drop but it was not that big of a deal but I was touched by her sensitivity and openess. To her it was a big deal and she felt the weight of it and rather than just keeping it to herself she confessed to us, what a relief. Now I am wondering how to keep the dialogue going without it being a friend thing. I don’t want to be a friend to her..she will have enough friends what she needs is a mom and dad who can be her home base, her refuge as she goes away and comes back. It’s like the toddler years all over but the stakes are higher.

One thing I am ever so grateful for is our community. Evergreen has been the biggest blessing on so many levels but the biggest one is the people and how they have embraced Mackenzie. When I go to Mackenzie’s my space page and I see more adults on her friends list than kids I breathe a sigh of relief. Teenagers have enough peers what they need are other adults that are not their parents that invest in their lives and challenge them in ways a parent cannot. Mackenzie has that and I am ever so grateful. I think that is why I am not too worried that Evergreen has few teens. They have carved out space for her and so many other kids. Kids are not a nuisance that need to be controlled and tempered but they are a legitimate part of the community. They are embraced and nurtured by so many. I love that and I hope and pray that no matter what direction a more structured children’s ministry takes that they remain in the heart of the community, worth investing in.

P.S. if you are reading this and know Mackenzie PLEASE do not tease her about the above picture, in fact don’t even mention it to her, she would kill me!

Listening to My Gut

{ March 6, 2007 @ 10:34 pm } · { Life, Psychology, Spiritual Musings }
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I finally had my interview at the Y and first impressions are it would be a challenging and enlightening site. They are not just open to gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and transgender clients they actively seek them. It almost felt evangelistic. In fact I think they would be more evangelistic towards me than I would ever be towards them. The staff there seemed great and the supervisor was very nice and curious about why I was at Western and what drew me to the program. I told her my view of being trained holistically and wanting to be free to discuss my spiritual convictions without judgment and how they could inadvertently interfere with my ethical obligations to my clients. She seemed to appreciate my take on it. I’ll find out by the end of the month if I am offered a position. The other thing is I want to work with teens and they really don’t see teens much. Thus my training for child and youth would be minimal.

I have a sense in my spirit that the Y may not be the best site for me to be trained at. I usually have a pretty good gut instinct but I think I need to spend some time thinking and praying about it. I know that no matter what direction it goes that God will see me through it. My life has taken me to a turn where my choices are more and more grey. There are less good v. bad decisions. Or maybe it is that my outlook and philosophy of life is less black and white. I don’t know but I sense more peace maybe I am just learning to trust my gut. God has given me the Holy Spirit but I have not been sure what that means. It feels so abstract and ethereal that he does not feel like a real being at times. It’s funny because my first instinct was to go to Sunnyside but I kept getting feedback that I should broaden my experience and I listened. I am not going to turn down wise counsel but then I start doubting my gut and directing my energies into the other options. I think the wisdom of checking out other options is that it either confirms my gut or points me in a new direction.

Through this process I am learning the frustration of listening to voices outside myself more than my own. The Holy Spirit can and does speak through others to me and there are times when he speaks louder from within. As I have explored my spiritual life one of my goals has been to strengthen the inner connection to the Holy Spirit within. To learn to go to the deep center of my being and rest in the sense I receive there. It is new and feels distrustful at times. I wonder is it me or God speaking to me and where do the two meet. I am enjoying the process and feel a deeper sense of being in communion with God but I don’t want to isolate my spiritual formation from the larger community of Christ.

I need the outside voices from my larger community and I need to take those voices along with my own back to the center within and wrestle with God there. Allowing him to refine and inform all the voices the good voices of my community. Oh something else that is different is that I have actually allowed others into this process which is good for me. I tend to isolate myself in that I will give to others but I won’t ask or let others into my process. This is so unhealthy and although where I do my internship may be a small detail it is huge to me and to even voice my struggle is a huge step forward. In the past I have allowed myself to be vulnerable and it was not safe and I got hurt. God is taking me down a path of authenticity and that includes being vulnerable and letting others in and not just into the places where I have all my stuff already in a neat and tidy package but to the places that are jumbled knots. It is sad to me when people will divulge all their past struggles, pains, mistakes, and sins but when it comes to the here and now they are closed and guarded. Christians in particular are afraid to deal with the here and now sins and struggles they have and it is such a shame. Of all the places that Christ followers should be able to let it all hang out..the church community…has become for so many the least safe place. The place where people put on their masks and hide behind a facade that is killing their souls…and as killed mine. I refuse to wear masks anymore and it is both freeing and freakin’ scary! So as I type my journey I come from a place of sympathy and grace. I know why Christians are afraid to be real but I also know it is time for that to change.

I am not sure where this post started and if it will make sense to anyone but me but there you have it… the free flowing thoughts from a wandering mind!