Archive for September, 2006

Peace

{ September 29, 2006 @ 2:26 pm } · { Spiritual Musings }
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As I read my last two posts I got the sense that the picture I paint is a little too perfect or smooth. I have to say this has been one of the toughtest seasons in my life. I have been stretched to my limits at times mentally and physically. There are nights when I come home and I just want to go to bed and sleep for 24 hrs. I hesitate to say too much about my clients but let me tell you they may be college students but they are not coming whining. Some of them I can’t believe they are where they are.

All that to say I think yes my life is awesome but I think on this journey I have come to realize a few things. One is that life is a series of ups and downs and if I gauge the success or failure of my life on whether I am in an up period or down period than I am going to be ” “schizophrenic” soon. So I am in an up period and life is good. But I have had my share of down periods and life is good. I guess the best word to describe it is peace.

It has taken what seems like a lifetime but I am finally sensing a level of peace with myself, both good and bad and peace with God. I must say it is not a panicea, a delusion but very much grounded in reality. God is not some abstract puppet master manipulating my life but a God who is both above and beyond but also right in the midst of the human condition. The paradox that is present in Jesus is a mystery that I find much comfort and peace in. I think my greatest spiritual goal is to ask God to be present and to teach me to be present in Him in all that I do. My identity is from, for and because of His presence in humanity for all times.

Coming to this peace with God and the human condition is helping me to be free and to allow those around me the freedom to be themsleves. I am beginning to understand that looking for approval from outside God and giving or withholdng approval from others is an endless pursuit of misery. It may sound a little too individualistic but for me what it does is just the opposite. It frees me up to be in community more authetically than I have ever been. My identity is grounded in God, your identity is grounded in God and our collective identity is grounded in God. I can be an authentic member of community because I don’t look to the community to define me, refine me… yes, define me… no. Individually we are created in the image of God and collectively we are image of God. There is a commanlity which we are defined…God thus I ultimately need to go back to God to find my authentic self not the community around me. The community can reflect back to me if this is true .

So life is good not because circumstances are good but because God is with us. Now the true test is can I mean what I have written when I am in the darkest times of life, I think so…I hope so…I kind of hope I don’t have to find out (that isn’t too realistic)!

Possibilites

{ September 25, 2006 @ 11:23 pm } · { Relationships, parenting }
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I am a very proud mother and wife. This is the beginning of my second year of graduate school and it has been quite the seismic change for my family. I started my internship which takes me to work 27 hours a week on top of a marathon Monday (7:30am-10pm). There have been road bumps and adjustments to make but I feel so supported and encouraged by them. I took each of my kids to see my office and Mackenzie was the most impressed. The younger two were impressed with the places to jump their skateboards. I like that my kids are learning that there is role flexibility. As a mom or dad one is not nor should be locked into a rigid definition of roles. But that as a family we balance and adjust as needed. The best example of complementarianism I can think of. We complement each other with being able to adapt and flex as the needs of the individual are balanced with the needs of the family. I want my daughters to know that they can work outside the family if they choose and my son to know he can cook dinner and take care of the kids. I think over the past 15 years Tom and I have done this fairly well it is just that now the need for us to do it more is greater.

Last year, my first year in grad school, I think I did a little more micro managing of what happened when I was gone, probably not necessary but it made me feel better! This year I am less concerned with the details and know that even if I don’t leave preprepped dinner they will figure out what to eat. I am needed on a different level and I think going to grad school is enhancing that role. Not that it could not be done without it but it was a catalyst for diversifying our skill set.

Tom has been my biggest cheerleader and with whom this would not be possible for me. He knows me so well that he knew if I had passed on this window of opportunity that I would never forgive myself and he probebly would have felt the fallout!!!

He has sacrificed a lot for me to do this and the more I read the research on wives/moms that return to school or the mainstream job force I realize how blessed I am. Many men are threatened by their wife’s success apart from the family but mine is proud! We have always recognized the different “intelligences” we have. I can learn math in a theoretical format fairly easily but he can apply it like nobodies business. For a guy who could barely pass math in high school he masters it daily impeccably! Now which is more valuable penciling math formulas on paper or using the formulas to create masterpieces out of wood or other things for that matter. Not to mention that he can design a part for just about anything so that he doesn’t have to buy it at an inflated price.

Why am I saying all this? Well, I think in our culture the definition of words like success, intelligence, academia, wisdom are too narrowly defined. And when we do that we set people up to compete for things that a really equal in value and worth or a flase hierarchy. I am grateful that my husband and I have to some degree different learning styles and giftedness. Our kids will be blessed by that as well. I am challenged as well. I have to lay aside my biases and assumptions and hear a different perspective. We have to know where we agree and where we disagree and come to some kind of understanding and unity especially in child rearing. The beauty is that we each bring a different set of skills and tools some bad and some good. Ideally my bad is balanced by his good and I learn. If we are not willing to learn from one another than shame on us. When one of our kids comes home with a D or C in algebra and I freak out my husband can gentily remind me that it’s okay because he didn’t get it either and we can work on it but it’s not eternal. Whew!

I think the realm of possibilities have been broadened for our kids but I don’t think going to grad school or returning to the job force is the only way to achieve this. So please don’t think that I believe all moms need to do it the way I am doing it but it just happens to be the way it is unfolding for me. For some parents leaving the workforce is just as powerful. I know a dad who a few years back decided to stay home with his two girls…powerful model of role flexibility. Something I learned in class was that in a more “traditional” home setting dad could come home from work and start on dinner while mom has horsing around playtime with the kids or time for herself rather than dad occupying kids while mom cooks dinner. I think the point is think outside the box and you open up a new possibility not only for yourself but your kids!

Transitions

{ September 15, 2006 @ 1:44 pm } · { Musings }
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It has been two full weeks of kids in school, mom in school and internship. So far so good. Last night was probably the toughest. I had a tough client at the end of the day, kids cheating on their chores and an hour turn around before Theology Pub. I felt like a zombie. One off day in 14, not bad.

It is amazing all these years I have struggled with “just” being a mom. My original goal was to have a career and then kids but…oops…Mackenzie came along. A few years a go I made peace with God and myself and decided that it did no good to complain. I love my kids, my husband and my life. I realized I was still young enough to have many more experiences and adventures. A few years later here I am pursuing a new career. The timing could not have been better. It is amazing what a little life experience can teach you that books can’t. It’s also quite revealing to see my friends do it the other way (carreer first, kids later) and I don’t envy them. I am sure it works for them and they love it but I know now how much better it was for me, my personality, and life circumstance to have kids first.

My biggest fear in embarking on this adventure was my first few clients. The beauty of it was that the first “crisis” client I had was a walkin that I was not prepared for. It was probably the best thing that could have happened. The basic training I had from school combined with my natural intuitions jumped in and all was well. Fear very much minimalized. I don’t ever want to loose my sense of fear or trepidation when it comes to my clients because then I would probably fall too easily into arrogance. On the other hand I don’t want so much fear that I loose my ability to function. Balance it’s all about balance.

All in all a good transition into the career world. I am sure I will have my share of bumps and turns and hopefully very few wipeouts.

My Neighborhood

{ September 6, 2006 @ 3:47 pm } · { Relationships }
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This past Labor Day we had a BBQ with some of our neighbors. It was good. We have been so busy lately that we hadn’t had a chance to touch base with them in awhile. It reminded me how blessed we are to live where we do. We have lived here for 11 years and many of our neighbors seem more like family and that includes the frustrations but I wouldn’t change it.

Tom and I have been watching Northern Exposure. And I think we have just about as many quirky people with their own idiosyncracies, including us, in our neighborhood. It is amazing how much we know about our neighbors. We have seen each other through births, deaths, graduations, parenting angsts, couple angsts, and the list goes on. You learn alot about the people near you if you let yourself get close. I have always lived in neighborhoods where the people know each other. I didn’t realize how isolated some people are until I nannied for families in Riverside, just outside Lake Oswego. Their houses and estates are so huge and gated that they don’t know their neighbors unless they are at the same charity fundraiser. I know that that may not be a fair assessment but in my experience it was true.

I could give you a run down of all my neighbors and what makes them unique but I couldn’t type that much. But I will tell you a little about one of my most recent neighbors. Cam and his family have been our neighbor for about 5 years now. He immigrated to America from Vietnam about 13 years ago. He came a year before his family. he had to establish residency and get a green card so he could sponsor his family. I can’t imagine how scary it was to leave your wife and two girls in Communist Vietnam hoping that they could join him but knowing that things could change in an instant and they would be seperated indefinitely. Listening to his story a few days ago was quite interesting. His passion for his birth country is evident. His desire for a free Vietnam and his desire that the US could do more. His hope for his family that remains there. Vietnam is a blurb in my memory but now I have a connection and it makes me want to know more. If not for any other reason than to empathize more with Cam and his family.

The most amazing thing is our lives are connected only due to the home we chose to buy. It seems so random. We on many levels have so little in common with these people but because we are all in the same few blocks are lives are intertwined, on some levels forever. I’ll never forget when Nancy’s brother died of a brain tumor. After the funeral the family gathered at their home and the most amount of people were direct family memebers and then neighbors, pretty amazing.