Archive for June, 2006

Swimwear to thoughts on Parenting

{ June 29, 2006 @ 4:22 pm } · { parenting }
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I survived an afternoon of bathing suit shopping with my daughter. This is probaly the worst kind of shopping ever, especially with a teenager. My daughter has officially out grown the girls department and must shop in the juniors. The problem is the swimsuits are either old lady frumpy (nothing wrong with that IMHO) or way too sexy. Thank God for tankinis except now they make them backless, still better than a bikini.

I just hate that our society forces our kids to grow up so fast, especially the girls. The rampant sexualization of our teenagers seems more and more overt. I can’t even let my 13 year old watch PG-13 movies without previewing them, and I hate most of the movies she likes, so she doesn’t get to watch many of them, AH shucks! The saddest part is these movies could easily omit the make out scenes and it would not subtract from the story line at all, especially since there is not much of a story line to begin with.

The more I walk this journey of parenting a teenager the more I ponder what we will set as our “battles worth fighting” I do know that protecting our childrens’ innocence and purity will definitly be worth the battle.

The one thing that I warn all parents is although innocence is to be guarded ignorance is to be fought. The cost of ignorance is too high. Kids that are raised in a bubble are ripe for the picking by any and all predators. Plus I have seen what happens to many of those kids when they go to college and mommy and daddy are not there to watch over them; it ain’t pretty. My first year in college was at Uof O and I was in a coed freshman dorm on the ouskirts of campus, it was culture shock for a small town girl. The first week of school I remember going into the shower and a guy walking out with just a towel on! One of those things you don’t tell mom and dad, especially since I was still 17. Granted there were individual stalls but none the less disconcerting.

My goal will be to have the kind of relationship with my kids that they can tell me those kind of things and not have a bunch of secrets and taboo subjects. I think that is the only way to help guide our kids into adulthood. I will never solely be my kids friend but I will also never be just their mom. Finding that harmony as my kids mature will be a challenge and I am sure there will be times when I blow it and am either too much a friend or too much a parent but by the grace of God…our kids will love God and love us despite our (parents not God’s) mistakes.

Great Day, Full of Surprises

{ June 27, 2006 @ 5:58 pm } · { Relationships }
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Great day but we may be asked to leave our church (just kidding)! We had Jack today and he didn’t get a nap. By the time we got him back to his dad he was pretty wiped out. Sorry Bob and Amy!
I wish I had remembered my camera! The kids had a blast at the Jamison Park wading fountain. I think this is the first time Jack ever said no to a snack! He was just too busy playing in the water. And my kids didn’t even have time to argue, except for who’s lap Jack got to sit in on the MAX trip home. It was fun having a toddler around especially with three big kids around to help! But no still don’t want anymore kids. We’ll just keep borrowing our friends’ kids when we need a fix!

Then about when we were heading home our friends unexpectantly showed up and their daughter was so jazzed to play with our kids so we stayed a little longer. It was great but it was a long day. And that’s reason poor Jack didn’t get a nap.

Then on the MAX we ran into my sister. We don’t see each other nearly as much as we used to. So we had a chance to chat for a few. All in all a great day full of little surprises. I like surprises; especially people surprises!

My Daughter

{ June 22, 2006 @ 7:34 pm } · { parenting }
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Lately it seems like my daughter (13) is growing up exponentially fast! It really scares me at times. I want to shelter her and protect her but I know if I do that it will have the opposite effect I desire. It just seems hard to believe that in just 5 short years she will be off to college (hopefully). 

I see so many of my friends just starting their families and they have so many doubts and questions. I often think I wish I had those kind of questions. They were the easy hurdles with mostly right or wrong answers. Teenagers on the other had have more complex parenting questions and dilemmas and fewer black and white answers. Potty training seems like a breeze compared to puberty and dating!

Alas, I must let her grow up, make mistakes, have her successes and love her no matter which it is! Those of you that know me remind me of that when she screws up big! 

My hobby

{ June 12, 2006 @ 7:53 pm } · { knitting }
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I love to knit and crochet, a little too much but oh well! I can think of worse addictions.

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Humility

{ June 11, 2006 @ 5:39 pm } · { Spiritual Musings, Theology }
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Lately the quote by Sally Fields (way back when) has been in my mind. She said it when she accepted her Academy Award. She said “You really like me, you really like me.” when I first heard it I was embarrassed for her. It sounded so dorky and wrong. Now several years later I believe that was one of the most honest acceptance speeches ever. Why? Because isn’t that what all of us crave, to be liked, to be noticed. And is that wrong?

Now I do think there are extremes where one is obsessed about being liked and acknowledged but there is the other extreme of self deprecation and false modesty. So what is the balance?

I think the balance is in humility. The first thing though is the term humility needs to be defined. Often it is thought of as to think less of oneself, or to be modest, lowly, less than. And all those may be the traditional definition of humility but when the Bible speaks of humility what is God trying to tell us?

C.S. Lewis says in Screwtape Letters chapter XIV “By this method thousands of humans have been brought to think that humility means pretty women trying to believe they are ugly and clever men trying to believe they are fools….The Enemy (God) wants to bring the man to a state of mind in which he could design the best cathedral in the world, and know it to be the best, and rejoice in the fact, without being more (or less) or otherwise glad at having done it than he would be if it had been done by another…He wants to kill their animal self-love as soon as possible; but it is his long-term policy, I fear, to restore to them a new kind of self-love – a charity and gratitude for all selves, including their own; when they have really learned to love their neighbors as themselves, they will be allowed to love themselves as their neighbors.”

There is this harmony among people when humility is seen as rejoicing in one’s own accomplishments and equally rejoicing in others. I think the antithesis to humility is not just self-love but withholding love and praise to others out of jealousy, spite, fear or whatever. In actuality all that we are able to do no matter how minute or grand is all because we have a gracious and creative Creator who lavishes good gifts on us. What a better way to honor Him than to use our gifts and talents to the best of our abilities and rejoice with each other as we spur one another on.

I struggle with this and I am going to strive to be better at rejoicing in my accomplishments and the accomplishments of those around me. It takes being intentional and walking through life with your eyes and heart wide open paying attention to the little things as well as the big things.

15 years later

{ June 9, 2006 @ 9:28 am } · { Relationships }
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My husaband and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last night (6/8). It amazes me as I think back on the past 18 1/2 years (we met in 1987 married in 1991). As one who is studying to be a counselor if I was to counsel a couple like we were back then I would say run from each other, you have done everything wrong and statistically speaking you guys are doomed for divorce.

I was 17 when we met and he was 19. I was desperate for a boyfriend and he was not looking for a steady relationship. I was clingy, dependant, insecure and every other stereotype linked to a teenage girl. He would show up late for dates, consistently (too busy surfing or partying) and I would forgive and forgive. Looking back if I had a daughter who behaved like me or a son who behaved like Tom they would be in serious trouble. My friends were convinced he was cheating on me so they would stalk him in Seaside and try to catch him with another girl. They always struck out.

There was a pull between us (raging hormones!) and I knew he was the one. To my parents chagrin he drove me to Eugene for my first year in college and lived there for a whole 7 months. Probaly the darkest months of his life, he hated Eugene! The following year we moved to Portland and lived in my sisters basement. Eventually we moved to two differnet apartments 2 blocks away from each other, pointless, we should have just shared one apartment, it would have been cheaper. We were both raised Christian, him Catholic me Lutheran but neither of us owned our faith just the guilt and rules. Finally we gave in and moved in together but we didn’t let our parents know, they probaly did but it was just easier to put on the rose colored glasses and pretend everything was on the up and up!

I remember when we told my parents we were engaged, I was 18 he was 20, my mom cried (not happy tears) and STOMPED upstairs and my dad just kept reading the paper. Tom’s parent’s were happy for us, they liked me and were thrilled Tom was geting married :)

So the cards against us: living together, young, minimal family support, broke, naive…cards in our favor !?!? We later found out God was in our corner.

Oh and our first child was born 16 months after our wedding. But that was one of our saving graces. Prior to her birth my sister had been inviting us to church and we were attending with her, sporadically. But after the birth of our daughter it just hit us WE ARE PARENTS. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH THIS LITTLE PERSON! Our need for God was staring back at us in the face of this little girl. Eighteen months later we were baptized and have never looked back.

So, fifteen years later I love my husband more than ever and I am completely awed by the grace and mercy of God. Often I wonder if I would have done things differently and honestly I would say no. I think for me doing it the hard way has taught me more than I would ever have learned otherwise. I have more patience, compassion, am less judgemental, but I also appreciate it more when I see people who have done it God’s way.

Lesson, don’t do it the way we did but don’t knock the long shot either! One never knows.

Women and the Church

{ June 7, 2006 @ 4:10 pm } · { Theology }
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I have, lately, had a real hard time being gracious towards Christians who don’t believe women should be elders, pastors, or teachers of men in the church. In the past this has been a b level issue for me but lately it is becoming an A level issue not something I would die for but I could not attend a non-egalitarian church.

It really bugs me that some celebrities who have had conversion experiences are ushered in front of audiences to “preach” only a few months after their miraculous conversions and yet I as a woman, with seminary training, would not be welcome to teach in many, too many, Christian circles.

And pretend you are a Ph.D. level professional, female, and you decide to checkout this Christianity thing and you find out that because you are a woman you will not be allowed to be an elder, pastor or lead teacher, even after you become Biblically literate just because you are female…would you want to stay?!?!

I have done a lot of reading and research into the Biblical verses that pertain to women’s roles and the more I read the more I conclude that they are culturally bound teachings and not transcultural. One cannot compare 1st century women with 21st century women and say all the social rules apply the same. It would be like comparing apples and oranges. Also, too often the conservative churches pick and chose which teachings are and are not transcultural. Which seems dishonest to me. Why do women not cover their heads in church but are allowed to speak? It seems like those in power chose the rules that keep them in power to be transcultural and abolish some of the rules as culturally bound to placate the women, “okay you can speak and don’t have to cover your head and can braid your hair but don’t lead us.” I know I sound bitter and I am but I also know there are some fabulous and Godly men who are not trying to systematically hold women down I am personally blessed to know many of them. My anger is directed to the systems and doctrines of those groups, men and women, who continue to be arbitrary in their assignment of culturally bound teachings and transcultural ones concerning women.

Although I am a feminist I am not a secualr feminist nor do I embrace very feminist ideal. One of the errors, I think, of the feminist movement of the 60’s and 70’s was they were trying to say we are the same as men, and should be allowed to act the same and be the same. I disagree. One phrase I have learned lately is equal does not mean the same. I have different giftings and skills from my husband but I have equal worth and should have equal opportunities but they are not going to be the same giftings or skills thus some opportunities won’t be available to me but it should not be due to my gender but due to a lack of skill or gifting.

I wish we would move away from assigning roles by gender and move to assigning roles by giftedness and skills. Now naturally there will be more women in certain roles and more men in others but as long as this a choice and desire of the individual or couple than who cares. I often felt “judged” by feminists for staying home with the kids and not pursuing a career at the time and there have been many “working” moms who have felt judged by the church. I also know a couple where the husband stays home and the wife works and I am sure there are plenty of people in the church that would say that is wrong. Who cares. Are the kids being nurtured and loved, are the bills getting paid, are they honoring God as good stewards of their time. money and gifts then great go for it.

For me personally, I have a husband who agrees with me, I go to an egalitarian church, so why does this matter so much to me. Well, I think women have been discriminated against and hurt by the church and it is endorsed in their doctrines and I grieve for the women who stay away from Christ and/or the church due to these kinds of doctrines. I know people are only trying to honor God and do right by the Bible but there are so many more important teachings in the Bible about justice, compassion, love, equality in Christ etc. that it seems to me that we are hindering the Gospel and the good news of Christ from reaching a group of people.

So Cool

{ June 2, 2006 @ 8:09 pm } · { Musings }
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It’s so cool just now I was reading some posts on the Evergreen forum and as I read people’s posts I could “hear” their voice as I read. Their inflections and personality is coming to my mind as I read their words. Why does this matter to me? This is the first church that I have had to stand on my own too feet, I know wild huh? But in the past either one or two of my siblings have been around or in one case virtually a whole church switched to a new church together. And that was great and I appreciated it. But this is new and new things are good. I am getting to see myself outside my comfort zone, and it’s not as scary as I had thought. It helps having found a fabulous community to be a part of. Granted I didn’t switch churches so that I could have a new experience but it’s a bonus.

I have been trying to be very aware of details in my life and about me as part of my journey back to authenticity. I normally hate change. My life has been a series of stable people and places, I know that probally sounds great to many of you but it has it’s down side. When comfort moprhs into an unhealthy clinging it stiffles growth and development. In fact, I go out of my way to encourage my children to do new things and meet new people, hasn’t been too hard they are pretty outgoing to begin with. But even when they were little and we would go to the playground I would encourage them to go to other kids and ask they to teeter-totter with them rather than just play with each other. It was great to see them have no fear and do it.

Trying to live in a deliberate and intentional manner rather than just being tossed about by circumstances, fate, emotions what ever one wants to call it, is very freeing. I have more control of my life when I give control of it back to God. Paradox, I love it!

Not Busy

{ June 1, 2006 @ 3:28 pm } · { Spiritual Musings }
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At the end of the month I will officially be not busy. This is weird for me. My identity and my value has always been wrapped up in what I do. I will have less to do and I feel like my equilibrium will be thrown off. It has got me thinking about what our value is in the eyes of God versus the eyes of society.

God values us for being, it reminds me of Mary at Jesus’ feet…listening, learning, just being with the Rabbi. I want to do that more during my down time and hopefully it will become a desire from here on out.

Society values us for doing. We are defined by what we do and how productive we are. This has bothered me and so lately I have tried to not ask people what they do. It is hard and I have slipped up. It’s not that I don’t want to know what someone does and if it naturally comes up in conversation than great but I don’t want to be the one to initiate it. What we do can be a part of our being but I don’t think it should define our value and worth.

I want to try to know people for what makes them uniquely themselves not just what they do and all the “hats” they wear. Obviously I am not looking for people to pour out their heart and soul but it seems more interesting to know that someone enjoys sunny days than what they do. I am not sure if that makes sense but it does to me!

So I am going try to embrace my season of not busy and learn how to be more deeply in God’s presence. I want my doing to be informed and fueled by my being, especially my being in the presence of God.