Recovering People Pleaser

{ May 6, 2009 @ 7:17 am } · { Existentialism, Henri Nouwen, Relationships, Spiritual Musings }
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I must confess I am a recovering people pleaser. In my past I have let people’s opinions (or perceived opinions) dictate my course of action and it has lead to much heartache. In this recovery process I am learning to place criticism in its rightful place and that is not discarding it! I tried that for awhile and it didn’t work. There is some critic though that deserves tossing because it is just plain mean and immature…haven’t run into much of that lately, thank God.

I must admit this journey has been hard but worth it. I am learning first to not see critique as an identity issue but a performance issue. In doing that it has freed me up to learn and grow versus giving up. In the past I have taken critique as an identity issue and then stopped pursuing the goal or dream because obviously I can’t do it since I screwed up (insert sarcastic tone here). It becomes about my core being rather than my doing. I cannot begin to tell you how many dreams I have given up because of someones criticism. As I am learning to see criticism as a performance issue I am realizing we all are imperfect and need to grow. Now some criticism I have received is good but delivered horribly. The maturity part is being able to discern the gold amongst the rock and dirt and like I said there still are times when there is no nugget and the person is simply being vengeful and mean. I have no time for them anymore…discard and be done!

The other thing that I am practicing daily is remembering my favorite Nouwen qoute that deserves repeating:

You can deal with an enormous amount of success as well as an enormous amount of failure without losing your identity, because your identity is that you are the beloved. Long before your father and mother, your brothers and sisters, your teachers, your church, or any people touched you in a loving as well as in a wounding way-long before you were rejected by some person or praised by somebody else-that voice has been there always. “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” That love is there before you were born and will be there after you die.”
Henri J. M. Nouwen

At the end of the day I choose to please the One I belong to…and He already loves me and accepts me…Amen!

Parenting a Teen, the saga continues

{ April 15, 2009 @ 8:52 pm } · { parenting }
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I have resisted utilizing technology to connect with my teen. As a therapist, it just goes against every bone in my body, and still does for the most part. However the reality is technology is here to stay unless the doomsdayers are right and society as we know it will eventually meltdown  we are stuck with it…guess we’ll just have to wait and see ;) I am finding a system that actually optimizes technology and recognizes it’s limitations and utilizing each to make the most of communication. I am finding, at least with my teen, that engaging her in initial “conversation” via text opens the door for a great face-to-face conversation. For instance, a few days ago I received a text from my teen about her boyfriend. I texted back a  couple sentence response…the “volley” continued for a few more sentences and then done. The next time we were in each others presence the topic was easy to broach and lead to a great conversation. I have been using this m.o. for a few weeks now and it has helped facilitate several conversations. Do I like it…not always…however in reality it works. I am hoping that me entering her world will facilitate her entering my world…the adult world. Often, parents give up when they hit a roadblock in communicating with their teen and that usually ends up in disaster, at least for a season. As parents, we need to find the detours and use them to help guide our teens back to the healthy path. I will not jump into the whole texting/technology world with two feet in order to be like my teen however I will put one foot in in order to  stay connected with her and help her find her way to a life sustaining way of being in relationship.

Hell…I am “communicating” with you ( whoever you are) via technology…can’t be a hypocrite now can I ;)

Shy/Guarded doesn’t Equal Snob!

{ April 3, 2009 @ 10:14 pm } · { Henri Nouwen, Musings, Psychology, Relationships }
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The Beauty of Shyness

There is something beautiful about shyness, even though in our culture shyness is not considered a virtue. On the contrary, we are encouraged to be direct, look people straight in the eyes, tell them what is on our minds, and share our stories without a blush. But this unflinching soul-baring, confessional attitude quickly becomes boring. It is like trees without shadows. Shy people have long shadows, where they keep much of their beauty hidden from intruders’ eyes. Shy people remind us of the mystery of life that cannot be simply explained or expressed. They invite us to reverent and respectful friendships and to a wordless being together in love – HenriNouwen

I cannot tell you how much I love this quote and not because there is something so incredibly profound here but because this was and in many was is me. I recently had a friend tell me she felt like there was so much about me that she did not know although we have spent a significant time together, not a surprise she is a therapist. I have had people label me a snob in the past because of my self protective personality. Not to dissect my family of origin and not to say my perspective is absolute truth however to deny that I did grow up feeling judged and in many ways still do when around my family of origin would be wrong too…tension, life is full of it. Over the years I have come out of my shell because of another concept Nouwen well communicates, being that my identity and value comes from Jesus and His love for me and nothing else, but it has been a journey and at times a painful journey. Although today many people have described me as a confident and strong woman I often feel like a shy girl under a microscope judged and condemned to a marginal life; not as much as 10 years ago but none the less.  As I have discovered my true self over the years,I am grateful for my shy self that I hope never dies but matures and refines to helps keep me grounded and not overly transparent. I have learned that each of us have a depth to ourself  that deserves to be revealed to those who can treat our mystery with care and respect. That I believe is what I missed out on, care and respect, so this shy girl developed to protect me over the years. Now I have the opportunity to turn this into a positive character trait because it is positively motivated. I am not defensively guarding myself but judiciously revealing myself in the level appropriate to the trust developed in the relationship. One thing I guarentee I will be 100% authentic yet guardedly transparent. What you get will be true but may not be complete.

Wish I could go…

{ March 24, 2009 @ 10:48 am } · { Theology }
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http://www.christianity21.com/

I wish I could go but finances won’t allow. This looks like it will be an amazing event. I think it would be fabulous if there were as many men as women attending this event…then we would truly know that real change is happening.

Parenting and the “f” word

{ March 23, 2009 @ 9:03 pm } · { Spiritual Musings, Theology, parenting }
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So I have wrestled with posting this but I think it is worth it…in all it’s transparency! Today my daughter showed me a pic on our home phone of my 10 (almost 11) year old son flipping off the phone as my daughter took the picture *sigh* Luckily for me my son was at a friends for a sleep over so I have had time to mull it over and decide what course of action to take. Initially my response was to over react, of course, but as time has passed I have settled down thus the appreciation for his absence. You see, often as parents we have a gut reaction that we need to allow to pass so that we can engage our frontal lobe, the area for rational thought, and truly come up with an effective course of action. I needed time to respond rather than react! (Parenting hint: respond don’t react)

It is no wonder that my children would engage in such actions. They are looking for ways to figure out their culture and decide what “fits” for them. They see friends, actors, musicians, ADULTS, doing all kinds of things and are “trying” them out to see what fits. When we as parents choose to react from a gutteral level we tend to fuel their actions but when we can take a time out, process and come up with a reasonable response we immediately take them off guard with a well thought response void of shame and guilt. I cannot tell you how many times my non-reaction to a child’s disclosure or action has lead to an amazingly honest discussion of choices and consequences and I am not the bad guy to boot! It really does work…parenting from love and emotionally neutral responses versus emotionally charged fear based reactions. My ability to regulate my emotions helps my dysregulated child calm down. Now don’t get me wrong I have my moments…just ask my kids. I have reacted, in anger even, parenting is not about perfection but about trial and error and learning to say “I am sorry I made a sad choice” to our children AND then practicing calm and thought out responses. I cannot stress the word practice over trying more! Try as hard as you want and change won’t happen. It is not until you learn the art of practice that you can truly gain the skills to make real lasting change. You see practice implies failure yet learning through practice…any skill worth acquiring requires practice.

So back to my action plan with flipping off son :) I plan to show him the picture and say “I am not angry but I am curious how it felt to flip off the phone.” And then just go where the conversation leads. Stay tuned I’ll share where it leads. I am sure it will be interesting. This is the same kid that the other night stated that “…it should be a sin to be a ‘Jesus freak’…” His rationale was that he has a friend who has went from being a Christian to being an atheist because his dad has forsaken faith in Jesus and his mom (they are divorced) is a “Jesus Freak” who crams religion down his throat…if it ain’t Christian it is demonic. His atheistic father is more accepting of him than his “Jesus freak” mom…no wonder he would choose an atheistic path.  My son reasoned (my paraphrase , in adult terms, to follow) that if his mom was not so reactive and rigid he might still believe in Jesus and God even though his dad is agnostic. I am constantly blown away by my son and his thought process!

Responsiblity and Advice

{ March 19, 2009 @ 8:42 pm } · { Psychology, parenting }
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I am learning a lot about guiding parents in parenting difficult, traumtized and hurting children. I have spent tens of hours searching and researching a variety of parenting strategies and boy there are abundant opinions. It is so easy to get sucked into a book or strategy that “makes sense” however as a professional who is bound by legal and ethical guidelines “making sense” is not enough. I ordered one book and it was good…I agreed with a lot of what the author taught howeverI disagreed with some especially the tone that was taken towards other models. So as I decided whether or not to get further training in this model I researched more and found out not disturbing info but info that lacks empirical evidence and is mostly a self-help and cleverly marketed device.

I have access to APA’s database of psychARTICLES through Concordia and did some research in articles by researchers and found some great resources one in particular that combines my passion for family based services. I was further delighted that it is based here in Oregon at Uof O in their Child and Family Center called EcoFIT I ordered the text from Amazon and am looking forward to learning more! I guess my point in this rambling post is if you are a practioner in the mental health field…be repsonsible for the guidance you provide clients and know the facts and if you are a consumer be wise and cautious there are a lot of good meaning professionals who may not be using what we call best practice. The sad thing to me is that in Oregon is one of the few states that still allows counselors to practice unlicensed they simply cannot use the term “licensed” in their practice. As I have shared this with people they are shocked…which leads me to reiterate be a wise and informed consumer.

Venting…thanks for listening ;)

{ March 5, 2009 @ 10:46 pm } · { Life, Musings, Relationships, parenting }
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Some days  I just want to cry and yell. I love the work I do but sometimes the stories I hear make my heart ache. Whether it is a child who was “spanked” with a wooden spoon so hard the spoon broke or another child that has HPV at the age of 2 or a mother that cannot choose between an abusive boyfriend and the safety of her children or a myriad of other desperate stories. There are no easy answers just taking one step at a time with families in desperate need knowing that I am only human and I need supernatural support and guidance. I do not know how people without a higher power make it day in and day out in the people helping field. I know for some it simply reinforces their atheism…how can there be so much suffering if there is a loving God? And in all honesty I have no easy or hard answer other than for some less than tangible reason; I do know there is a God and I do know God is loving and that God cares. I know that because of my faith I do not fall apart after every visit with a hurting family, a hurting child. I also am grateful the perspective I have when I face my own parenting challenges and I realize how petty some of the battles I choose to enter with my children are. Don’t get me wrong there are some serious parenting tasks I must face and navigate however sometimes I think we parents make our own job harder with the battles we choose. On the flip side I can easily minimize my own family’s struggles because of the severity of suffering and dysfunction I face in others families. Which is why I am grateful for a husband that keeps me grounded and that I can help him shift his perspective. It’s difficult to parent when we have different perspectives and different solutions however when we do conflict resolution well we actually end up balancing each other out, even if we do not see eye-to-eye in the heat of the moment.

Play!

{ February 18, 2009 @ 11:34 pm } · { Psychology, parenting }
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I am so excited…Imoon-sand have invested in a portable sand tray, moon sand (awesome stuff) and several toys to use with the families and clients I work with. I wasn’t sure how my play therapy training would work its way into my work and recently it has become very evident. My original goal for taking the play therapy classes had always been to help families and parents. I never felt a huge encouragment that it was a good plan and I never felt I was being discouraged. I was simply taking the training into an out of the norm path. Every one I knew that was taking those classes wanted to work with kids and frankly had really negative views of the parents of kids in therapy. I get that but the world that has opened to me taps into my compassion for parents that were ill  equipped by their own families to be healthy parents. This does not mean that their poor treatment/neglect of their children is excused but it does mean that their life is complex and there is room for compassion for both parent and child. A compassion that says what you chose was wrong yet there is hope for you to change and both you and your child(ren) will reap the benefits. What’s cool is that I genuinely feel that I have been innately equipped to build a therapeutic relationship with the parents I work with that allows me the freedom to both hold them accountable and confront negative behavior and give them empathy.

Getting back to the main point…play therapy and parenting…it is in learning to play with a child that a parent can learn to support and encourage a child. So many parents do not know how to play, they forgot or they were never allowed to :(   It’s true but what I am seeing is that it is in play that parent and child can build bonding and attachment. I knew this intellectually but as I guide a parent in playing with their child it really is evident. It feels congruent! I guess my encouragement to all parents is take time to play intentionally with your child(ren) and let them lead, follow them into their beautiful imagination and support what you see!

It’s been interesting

{ February 17, 2009 @ 10:03 pm } · { Life }
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The other day Tom mentioned he is feeling more and more nervous about his employment and in years past I would have been FREAKING out. I have been processing over and over what I am feeling about that. Well…I feel okay. Not that I am glad but just I know we will be okay. I have been blessed with work that tends to be a little more recession proof on one hand and on the other I know we can simplify our life even more. The one thing I have been grateful for is being raised by WWII parents. Both our parents, our fathers’ were born 4 mo apart in ‘31 and our moms’ 3 mo apart in 34′, raised us with simple values when it comes to materialistic things. I remember asking my mom why she cut out $.10 coupons when I was a kid and she said because throwing it out was like throwing out a dime. I also remember telling my kids that the $1 coupon I cut out is like a real dollar when purchasing something I already needed or buy regularly (that’s the trick with coupon savings). To this day when we go clothes shopping my kids look for the clearance racks, probably because they have to spend their own money on extras but still a nice habit!

Overall this switch has been interesting…I never would have believed that I would get to a place where finances did not evoke anxiety and panic. I guess it just takes years of trusting in God and that we are equipt to survive. I am learning where I have control and where I don’t thus I know where to act and where to turn it over to God. I am still a work in progress and I know I have more progress to make but it is nice to celebrate and acknowledge milestones of growth.

A Coincidence?

{ February 9, 2009 @ 9:23 pm } · { Life }
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Today I went to charge my Clie and found it dead…meaning that all the applications were lost. No problem I went to sync it with the back-up copy on the computer. Only to find that in my “let’s clear the hard drive frenzy” erased the program since I had my I-touch for all my appointments. My heart sank because I lost my coveted Weight Watchers program. After my initial “ugh” I realized this could be my window of opportunity to put in practice another layer of what I preached on Sunday and to learn to trust my own hunger thermometer and simply be intentional about my food choices. God knows I have enough nutrition knowledge to make good choices! It’s that darn emotional eating hang up *sigh* But seriously I think this is a good thing. I have lost touch with my body and am slowly learning to listen again. So good bye Weight Watchers and hello entering the process rather than shooting for the goal.

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